*trigger warning: self-harm*
do people always leave or do i just push them away?
would you really even be pushing someone away if you never let them in to begin with?
rejection is my end-all: my biggest pain, my worst fear, my weakness in a world that loves to fuck all of us over. sometimes i feel like the universe is onto me, out to make an example out of me, punish me for not being enough. i walk around with a kick me sign tattooed on my forehead, holding in my heart that i need to be better.
i wonder if its always been this way (it feels like forever) – having toxic, chaotic meltdowns, feeling inadequate and unworthy, choosing to close my doors before others shut me out.
please dont leave me – people always leave.
its toxic to build walls in a relationship (i know that) – lately, i just cant help it. i cant help shutting my boyfriend out, turning my head at every attempt he puts forth to show me he loves me. i lock myself behind bathroom doors as i slice my skin because i want to see if he gives a fuck, and i feel the heaviness of guilt weigh on me (i deserved the punishment because i cant stop hurting him).
im trying to be better – if not for me, then for him. he deserves better than a girl with walls built up so high, forever in fortress mode. he deserves better than a girl who loves to play games, constant tests and mental gymnastics to figure me out (being complex is chaotic but im trying to take more agency in my life; i need to rein in my emotions and not let the outside world invade my brain space).
he deserves a girl whos willing to accept his love, instead of the constant passive aggression, pettiness and bitch i put forth.
so this is for us (boy whos the love of my life) – that we can work together as a team, that i can put aside my pride and celebrate your successes because god knows (and i know) that you deserve it. your success is my success, and in the end of the day, were playing for the same side – our success. its you and me against the world.
most importantly, thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me still, even after i drag you through hell and back. you shouldnt have to feel like youre walking on eggshells around me, and i should have some more faith in you and that you truly do give a rats ass about me.
while im not perfect (and i probably never will be and thats okay), i see brighter days with you by my side when the fortress ive built up on instinct is completely demolished.
so please dont leave me – people always leave, and i cant imagine my world without you.