Tag / relationships

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: (S)ugar (H)oney (I)ce (T)ea

id like to think im self-sufficient, despite reckless shopping on stupid expensive shit while on klonopin and the occasional treat for myself (maybe more often than most). think $100 supreme t-shirts and mini mini jacquemus joke bags that cant even fit my keys.

i make enough to support myself even though my credit card bills through the roof right now, but if i just learned how to reign in the excessive shopping i think id be able to be in a “better financial place.”

maybe the shopping has truly become an addiction, just something to fill the void in my heart because my life always feels like theres a missing chunk. the idea of a package arriving and having something to look forward to, the ownership aspect of possessing pretty things to display and show off becomes your means of moving forward, deal with the pain in the ass we call life. sometimes its hard planning for a future when you dont really have a direction.

its all so superficial, but i need it (for my wellbeing). maybe in a world thats painted by material objects and possessions, im just the byproduct of a consumer-driven, hierarchy-obsessed society.

so really, who can truly blame me?

everyone is always looking for “more.” and enough never really feels like “enough.”

theres so much pride in appearance, the vanity of it all – in clothes, designer accessories; in having your eyebrows threaded, the arched shape i like maintained; in perfectly manicured nails that scream, “im fucking put together” (my version of self-care, in its purest form).

and theres pride in my career – being validated for doing a good job from my higher ups, recognition showcased with a recent raise and five additional vacation days per year after my latest performance review. being able to support myself, the freedom to afford the things i want (kind of).

at least there was pride in my career.

im not sure why everything in my life has to translate to a competition – who holds the better stories with the biggest “wow” factor, whos the skinniest or the prettiest, whos more successful with the most income, making the most of the time theyre given.

and i know im supposed to be happy for my boyfriend and his new sparkling job offer. hes been struggling for years and ive tried (from the depth of my core) to be supportive. he had clawed his way out of university, fought his way through a severely underpaid job with barely any benefits and no overtime pay. and finally, he found a job that suddenly would pay him double the amount im paid (including my raise). six-digit salary, and im completely fucking shook.

makes one feel inferior, no?

i want to be happy for him, but its so fucking difficult to be, knowing this tremendous change would make him somehow superior to me. i dont want him to think less of me and id rather be the one to leave than be the one left.

“i think were too close for comfort / so dont rock the boat, dont calm the storm.”

all i ever wanted in a relationship was to be equals. and we had that – similar in pay, similar and shared sensitivity amongst our inner circle. the shared anxiety of wanting to be better and im doubtful he can relate now since he got his fucking wish, of making six figures – that because of that, i feel less than than him, and im no longer comfortable with him.

were not equals anymore. and growing up in a world painted by competition, i cant stop comparing myself to others, not even someone whos supposed to be my “partner” or whatever.

were not equals anymore – the scale has tipped (in his favor), the balance fucked and offset, and i lose once again.

the equilibrium is off as is (even though he starts his new job in two weeks). id rather be alone than be with someone who looks down on me.

and i dont know what this holds for me, what it means for us, and where i stand in this relationship. my bets are that everything between us is doomed to fail (but maybe its my inner pessimist speaking).

so just leave a message after the tone.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: girl who spins the thread into gold

i admit that im wrong about going unnoticed, that everyone around me is just so blinded by their own lives that mine is put on the backburner. maybe it just took some triggering, toxic commentary from peripheral friends to finally push me off the edge, the courage to confront my qualms and manifest my own reality. like mount vesuvius, i finally blew the fuck up, at those who ive felt wronged by in the past, the present; at innocent bystanders that stand witness to my breakdown (via text).

as they say (cliche as fuck, i know) – a few bad apples can ruin the whole batch.

i dont hate my friends (at least not my core group). i dont think i ever can. yes, i still have qualms regarding certain people but maybe this is the sign ive been looking for, the affirmation i needed all along. maybe i just wanted to put my pain on display, tattooed on my forehead for all to see (and feel pity for, we all love some self-pity).

what i say fucking matters. and maybe it just took for me no longer giving a shit, saying the words ive held in my heart, spilled out like word vomit onto my site – my safe space – to realize that.

i dont need to be a people pleaser; i used to have my voice. i just need to find it again.

there was a palpable shift, and theres validation in knowing im not the only one who felt it, recognized it. ive been detached from the world (for quite some time now).

its not all in my head.

and i didnt used to be like this – at least not the version of me that i didnt not like. today, my friend had pointed out how i used to be loud; i was bold, unafraid to speak my mind. but at some point, i lost myself – i lost my voice, my personality, everything that ive fucking prided myself in.

and one day, the thoughts inside my head became too much to tolerate, too much loss, tragedy, and the added layer of isolation – i just crumbled.

i stopped letting people in, even those who have helped me during my darkest days (everyone except my twin, of course – she knows everything there is to know about me).

i stopped talking, letting the dark emotions engulf me, selective mutism, my vow of silence or whatever. in a way, ive stopped trying, overwhelmed by the anxiety of the world and how it orbits, the people that spin with it as i stand completely still.

i tell stories of the days when my life had shine and allure – stories of the degenerates i had surrounded myself with (the fucked up and amusement), twisted tinder dates that had shaped me into who i am, someone who was definitely entertaining and fun, but also toxic. nothing is meant to last forever, not them and not me – but at least the stories will, and they are mine to keep.

im still lost – just a shell of who i used to be, letting my personality fade away with every word unspoken, every thought or negative comment festering in my brain, making it rot away.

but once, i was one one who spun the thread into gold, and one day, ill be that person again. and the stories i create – theyll be unmatched, a spectacle thatll have its own personality and voice too.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: mememe (do i sound like a joke when im talking to you?)

i hate forced positivity. its so toxic and fake, plastering on a smile for the sake of someone elses wellbeing even though your silent wounds ache.

its always about everyone else, isnt it? everyone else – anyone else but me. each day since entering 27, i just seem to get more transparent. ill eventually become one with the background, vanishing into nothing. im trapped in a soundproof glass box thats my life, and i need an escape.

phantom pain – going unspoken about, untended to. were all hurting and no one gives a damn (especially if they dont know).

theres a part of me that stays silent because i dont believe that others deserve to know what im thinking at the core, how i feel about them, whether theyve done something to bother me to the point of these happenings living rentfree.

if i said all the things i want to say, id probably be left by everyone (and maybe its time to make my peace with that).

words bite – both mine and theirs. and “forgiveness” isnt an emotional attribute that im capable of, foreign to my vocabulary completely. if i dont forget, i cannot forgive.

but silence and unknowing – that might be worse to receive versus a confrontation. forever a guessing game, and whether one rude comment would push me over the edge and the silence that follows, thats up to their own interpretation.

so ill leave apology texts unread, issues unresolved for weeks while i simmer in my anger, boiling into hatred. silent pain on both parties, but at least im in control.

theres another part of me that holds everything in my heart because i truly believe they wouldnt give a fuck, that no one gives a rats ass about me and my fragile emotions.

ive befriended my pain, my misery. its a part of me, my secret to hold, my comfort to keep. ive learned to rely on it (the misery, and no one else). maybe once youve had enough practice – years, even – of playing the role of “ok,” you become the expert of hiding behind that mask.

i guess its such an easy game.

theres a weight, a heaviness that i cant get rid of because my mind keeps whispering to me that no one cares.

mememe – i cant help but wanting to make more conversations revolve around me. and i expect everyone around me to be psychic, dancing around my expectations and creating a me-centric world.

i thrive off attention.

the third part of me knows i have a delayed reaction to anger (and most other emotions) and i cant tell if my anger and dissatisfaction is justified or all in my head.

i dont really know me (in that case). whats real, whats fake – it all blends together and love immediately transforms into hate and sometimes back again, an endless cycle depending on how much they hear me.

maybe no one really knew me to begin with.

maybe youll never know anything about me.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: dark blue

does anyone else ever feel like a second class citizen in their own universe? as if those you chose to be your friends are always superior to you and you just exist in their realm for the sake of it.

ive always been the girl with a consistent friend group and a girl i call my twin that i met on tumblr who lives across the country; but ive also been the girl with the occasional new (and inconsistent) “best friend” popping into the picture, usually someone i just met and barely know but the we-must-must-must-hang-out somehow leads to something that vaguely resembles a friendship.

the foundations of these friendships (these temporary best friends) are built on loneliness and convenience. they usually end when i realize that i never intended for them to be my best friend in the first place, that i dont want to be like them or i just completely fucking hate their personality (after all, i already have a best friend, my twin).

these friendships, they never end well.

as for these unfortunate souls that sit in the “non-permanent” category, its usually infatuation on their part. the only reason id know that is because i know myself (and they dont know me) – i refuse to reach out, initiate or anything. at the same time i wouldnt say im shy; i guess some of us are just built more fragile (like porcelain dolls) and we just cant handle rejection, too arrogant to come off as desperate.

i keep these miserable people around even though i know are temporary (and that ill eventually reach a breaking point with them) all to soothe my injured ego, to make me feel superior in having a minion.

maybe im power hungry (or maybe im just a bitch).

maybe i dont get enough of that in my current friendships – the power-trip of having someone willing to bend backwards to please you, someone you can look down on and keep to make yourself feel better. the temporary friendships are never real, doomed to fail from the start.

its fucked up. im fucked up.

in the words of jacks mannequin, “have you ever been alone in a crowded room?”

its like everyones in on an inside joke that you just dont get, like i dont belong here (not in this friend group and not on this planet) and im just here for the convenience. and i think about whether theres too much history and mutual friends and acquaintances to just cut me out completely, as if im not worthy. i just exist among them, neither here nor there, a side character even in my own movie. existing but not participating, invisibility cloak and all with the “mute” button constantly on.

im ok – im always just ok.

“what could you possibly expect under this condition?”

at least when im here with you, the whole town feels less lonely, the water subsiding and im able to breathe; the chirps of my friends, conversations im not a part of, fading into the background and none of it fucking matters anyways.

“if youve ever been alone, youll know.”

and you do know – you know me better than i know myself and id be so completely lost without you. youve felt the same way in our universe, unheard and unseen.

so you know – and you see me, thats all that should matter.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: blurry vision, blurry life

sometimes i wonder if im a real person still, or if ive just spent too long blindly complying to everyones wishes with no free will of my own.

what is free will at this point?

passive – its a word i simultaneously embody and despise. and i let the days fly by as if they dont matter; as if i dont matter.

i see people (shadows) of the past, their lives moving forward as if everyday had been filled with intent and these cliche life milestones while mine just lingers, my mind rarely ever present. my life just is.

and i feel translucent as the days continue to lose their opacity, fading away into the abysmal non-world. i cant tell whether the events of last week happened months ago or years ago; time is bleeding together into a whirlwind of “what if’s” and the immense unknowns.

blurry vision and even blurrier memories. how can i know what i want if i cant even remember yesterday (the basic events and conversations and all)?

and i listen to the old playlists, trying to recreate a past forgotten, to help regenerate the person i once was – someone with adventures to call her own, with stories to tell instead of bitch rants; someone with a bit of darkness, bittersweet humor, and glitter woven in between the seams of it all (this could still apply to me today).

once, i was someone who wasnt afraid.

maybe im still unafraid, ive just been too zonked out to react or too fucked up to remember. then again this weekend, i did kick the door shut aggressively and yelled at my neighbor to “go fuck yourself, you stupid bitch.”

hindsight is 20/20. however, i have no regrets (no shame) in telling her to shut the fuck up. at least theres still some fight (somewhere) in me. unhinged, out-of-control; maybe i just miss the chaos of my previous life. i crave the disorderly.

i need a sign (for clarity, of course) – whether it be a shooting star, or a message in a bottle concealed by sand and weathered by the waves, a treasure map guiding me in the “right direction” (whatever the fuck that means).

a sign – something that happens (and this could all be chalked up to a timely coincidence maybe); a text at the right time, a song that randomly plays on shuffle that has the truth written between the lyrics, the meaning youve been looking for this whole time, but its something that strikes precisely when you need it the most.

i look for truth – answers – in every surrounding im placed in. in traffic, i look for signs in the billboards for concealed, subliminal messages, observe the cars that speed past me; their colors, their bumper stickers, their license plates as if they contain some cryptic code. i surround myself with my comfort shows, as they always seem to offer sound advice like the universe had summoned it (or maybe i just know what episodes hit at the right time).

and i look for answers in music – i want to feel. to absorb the sadness and the pain certain tracks evoke, the lightness in others that allows me to time travel, rewind, to brighter days.

theres a hopefulness that resides in youngboy’s “astronaut kid,” the same hope that lies with vampire weekends “step” and kacey musgraves “rainbow.”

i hope those songs never lose their magic, the personal application, the infatuation behind the song itself. my thoughts might contain a few black voids, the details fuzzy but at least the music will always be there.

today i want to reclaim myself – my identity, my independence, my chaos and disorderly. i dont know how, or even where to start but maybe the universe will give me a sign (because i sure as hell need it right now).

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: my demons turned to angels (now theyre flirting with each other)

the loudest thoughts come out to play at night, demons crawling on all fours out of the shadows, the thoughts buzzing through my brain at rapid pace. beside me, my boyfriend breathes softly, his exhales tickling the thin hairs on my arm as i lie awake, tossing and turning with only the ceiling fan maintaining the steady, ambient noise.

silence is so fucking loud.

the ceiling fan is keeping me company tonight, quelling my inner monologue and i appreciate it for that. i wonder how many rotations the ceiling fan does in a minute. maybe counting the rotations will help me fall asleep.

i fill my life up with podcasts, music, anything to run away from my own thoughts. sometimes i wonder if the magic in the world will ever return or if its gone for good.

sometimes i wonder if the music, the shows, the art that i like even matter if no one else in my circle gives a shit about my wants and opinions. in a small posse of intense, judgmental personalities and varying interests, i wonder if anyone will listen – all i want is to be heard.

im learning to stand up for myself – i mean, ive always known how to fight back, but when it comes to my friend group, i feel like im always compromising.

im so FUCKING god damn tired of compromising.

im not that generous, and maybe were all selfish and unaware of our behavior, how some of us steamroll others more than desired (and it is never desired), how some of us are tonedeaf to those were supposed to genuinely give shits about, how some of us seem to believe their interests are more important.

i love my friends, but i question whether they love me.

maybe one day, ill fight through the pain of life, learn to be less sensitive to ignorant comments and negativity, be able to accept that people give a shit. maybe one day, ill find my way back to sanity.

maybe im just a small fish in a small pond, and thats all ill ever be.

“guess hell on earth needs company.”

hell on earth, for sure. at least the demons will always be there (for company, you know).

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: elmers glue is just a temporary fix

by default, having something automatically equates to the possibility of you losing that something.

sometimes i wonder if itd be easier to have nothing at all. i think about the clean slate, new identity all too often lately.

i wanted escape – clearly that didnt work out. sometimes i think im the cause of conflict, the catalyst or whatever. sometimes its hard not to think im the problem.

overly emotional, as my parents put it.

and as my boyfriend puts it, you snap at people all the time so (by default), you should be okay when people snap back at you.

i dont know why im like this, why i cant stop bitching, grand gestures and resentment over misunderstandings. im trying to drill into my thick skull that were all human, and we all snap when we reach our breaking point (at least thats how my therapist puts it; we all have emotions, and my emotions should be valid).

maybe my breaking point is more fragile, built differently, as if im constantly shattering for tiny happenings, and in the end, im just porcelain pieces precariously pasted back together with washable elmers glue (yes, the shit thats fun to smear on your hand and peel off in one whole layer).

sometimes i cant tell if i feel trapped; by my life as its entirety, the influences, the proximity. uncertainty – lost, empty with nowhere to escape to.

and maybe i just dont know how to love fully, without the charged emotions or toxicity involved.

i dont know how to just flip the off switch on my brain, and im working on it (i promise). its just empty promises anyway if no one believes you.

and thats something even elmers glue cant fix – rampant, explosive emotions, being on defense because the worlds always fucking raining on me, the problem and the agent or chaos and hostility.

its always raining on me – and the elmers glue is just going to wash away until all that remains is a pile of porcelain shards.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: bitch is being a bitch

sometimes i wonder if i actively choose to make my life complicated or if im just complicated and i cant help it – its a part of me.

it seems like i cant stop aggravating people lately; whether intentional or not, i cant stop snipping at people, pulling away from the physical touch and acts of affection. maybe im too stubborn to admit that im not always right.

i guess you can call me a hypocrite – someone who constantly bitches, goes off for no reason in particular but cant handle being spoken to in a harsher tone of voice or yelled at (i retaliate or i crumble – fight or flight taking action).

i crumbled today.

my boyfriend takes the short end of the stick with my parents as a close second when it comes to my emotional outburts, my constant lashing out and fussiness, unwillingness to forgive and forget because i feel wronged (remember, im always the victim, at least in my eyes).

everyone keeps saying im too emotional.

what does it even mean to control your emotions?

i truly believe that im incapable of controlling my emotions (physically or emotionally) even with therapy, with benzos, with support and love.

sometimes i think my parents have started to love me less in the past few years because im a pain in the ass. even my boyfriend tells me that im wearing on him, with my constant chaos, explosive anger and uncompromising temperament. sometimes i feel like theyre obligated to love me, as if i were some chore on the list that needs to be dealt with.

my parents say their love is unconditional – but is it? theyll leave me one day and im terrified for that day.

and im scared my boyfriends going to get fed up and leave me, once he realizes im not worth the trouble – and i cant handle being alone. is it time to find other options in case he leaves me?

i dont think he can love me forever (people always leave).

when im mad, im fucking livid. and i want justice – for all the things wronged, things taken.

im toxic and i know it. i just cant help it.

i dont want to lose my relationship with my parents, but being scolded for having a voice, yelled at to “listen,” i cant handle it. i just left my parents home, still reeling, still angry despite all the shit theyre going through with my evil, deluded aunts (we can call them “thing 1” and “thing 2”; for what was supposed to be a relaxing staycation and an escape from my life as it is (i need to gain some clarity), it was a fucking disaster.

and im sorry to my parents, that i cant learn to shut the fuck up and i feel the need to interrupt because im tired of always listening, that theyre under a lot of stress unrelated to me but im selfish enough to just walk out anyway to prove that they can lose me if this trend continues.

and im sorry to my boyfriend, who i put down more than i want and i wear the passive aggression and use it against him. and when he snapped last weekend after bitch (me) was being a bitch, all i wanted was to escape to my parents home, a retreat to all thats familiar. i was so excited for this weekend.

but look how well that worked out? jokes on me.

and i wonder whether love can ever actually be unconditional, as i grind peoples gears and continually poke the bear to get some form of reaction.

i dont think anyone can love me unconditionally at this point. damaged goods and too many emotions and breakdowns – who wants trash?

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL WITH IDENTITY CRISIS: the uncertainty questions commitment and were all a fucking mess

beginning, rise, peak – rise, peak, fall

for a girl with an ongoing identity crisis, i know of two things: i have a boyfriend who loves me and i have a close group of friends (a privilege as it seems, as most people at our age/older seem to label superficial acquaintances as their “friends” because they have none).

id like to think that i am one of the lucky ones – to have people to cry with, people to talk to, people to rely on, people to go on endless shit rants about those we despise and judge. i have people who truly give a shit, and maybe thats the reason i dont feel the need to impress or reach out, the reason people need to come to me instead of vice versa. id like to think that in a way, my friends shaped me into who i am today and im afraid of what i could lose.

having close friends comes with a price (or not a “price”, but a commitment maybe) – as cliche as this sounds, friendships like a plant. i picture my venus fly trap plant child, try to remember to keep the ceramic red pot filled with distilled water, let it soak so its well and nurtured and taken care of. friendships deserve attention (unless the friendship was meant to die, and that happens).

i cant tell if i pay too little attention to the point of ignorance, or if i pay too much, overthinking and analyzing every little moment.

we live with two of our friends – and my boyfriend and i cant see eye-to-eye on when to move out. while hed be more than happy to pack up our shit and move out in october at the absolute latest, im not opposed to staying for a bit longer. maybe underneath the hesitance, theres an underlying reason. maybe it all comes down to timing, lack of time and claustrophobia of time.

is it too soon?

i need time. more time.

its hard for me to admit why its so difficult for me to move, why im hesitant and im questioning everything lately. i dont know how to tell my boyfriend that im afraid ill feel lonely once we move out together, that im sometimes not as sure about us as he seems to be, or even as certain about us as i was when we started dating.

my minds a mess, and im not quite sure what to make of it.

is this loneliness supposed to last forever? when do you know that the rise and the peak are over, and all that remains is the inevitable, doomed fall?

sometimes i wonder if were all just lying to ourselves when we hold onto the belief that we as a couple will last forever. maybe we hold on for the comfort, the last beacon of hope in a sad, empty world.

maybe its when my boyfriend confessed that he thinks he loves me more than i love him and the pessimist in me wonders if there is an ounce of truth in that statement, only for him to take it back later when i press him on why he feels this way.

and sometimes, i wonder if we stay – stagnant – because starting all over sounds too intimidating and taxing, and we choose to settle from our shared laziness when each day we feel further and further apart. its in the small moments, and i cant help overthinking.

and i wonder if its easier to cut ties with everyone in my universe (friends, boyfriend and all), because sometimes we all need to press to reset button; new city, new identity, new posse and all in a very walter white “breaking bad” fashion.

am i one of those destined to feel lonely in a room surrounded by people, their banter between themselves becoming white noise and im always on the periphery, trying to make sense on why im always the last to be in the know, why i feel like i need to put thrice the amount of effort for little return?

i wonder why i even matter, what the point of this existence is when it seems like i dont have a voice and ive never understood the feeling of “content” or how to reach it. highs and lows – always.

i dont know what the point of this word vomit even means, whether im actually lucky by having people to call friends, acting out satisfaction when im not and im over all this, or i just tell myself that to get by.

one day, ill move to a different city, cut all ties with my past and present, change my name and rewrite my identity as a whole so i can be someone else, anyone else.

one day, ill stop lying to myself, pretending that im significant when im just one more number on the census, how many souls exist on this universe, as if my existence even really mattered in the first place.

GFY, fleur