Tag / relationships

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: desiring stability while creating chaos

its no secret that i was (am) an agent of chaos. maybe ive always been, getting a high out of getting a reaction out of people, catfishing all those desperate, horny tinder boys for the fun of it all (its so easy to pretend to be someone youre not), testing those closest to me just to poke the bear.

i like to stir the pot – i dont really know why. i dont understand my need for ruining the bonds i have with those i cherish most, the self-sabotage of it all. maybe in my own fucked up fashion, i want to see if they care. after all, actions speak louder than words.

i need to see if they care (and self-doubt creeps in, the happiness blockage that tells me im not good enough), whether they can save me when i cant even save myself.

i destroy everything i touch. and i cant fucking help it.

maybe in the end of the day, theres still a part of me that feels like i dont deserve any of it; not my friends, whove given support and nourishment in times of need, the ones whove survived all the rough patches of my emotional turmoil, check-ins via text to reassure me that they give a shit about me; not my boyfriend, not the daily morning coffee he makes me, the patience of someone who has to tolerate my antics, the attention and care that he and i both know i crave and need, the small acts of love and affection (or maybe just love as a whole).

and sometimes i wonder whether i deserve someone toxic and manipulative, someone like me; i wonder if im ruining my boyfriends life and that i should just let him go (let him be free). i want him to be happy, to be free from all the chaos i carry and represent – he can have someone he doesnt have to coddle because theyre too ill to take care of themselves, probably a nice but bland girl, quiet and on par with his calmness, someone who never gives him as much pushback as i do.

he will never find someone like me, someone with the stories (and the trauma), dark humor that even my therapists have laughed at. but maybe chaos and stability just dont mix and he deserves better.

id like to think i have the stability part down, at least externally (internally, not so much).

does it make me selfish if i pity myself but i have a good life?

minuscule happenings, unpredictable circumstances that transform into emotional monstrosities, until they materialize into a beast of its own, the battles that cant be won without the hurt – and ill continue to break whats unbroken (just because i can), and ill still shatter each time i purposely cause problems, ruin things.

having a good life but a brain that eggs me on to self-sabotage because i dont deserve any of this, ill keep on shattering, the master of my own hell.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: comfort shows (one tree hill)

theres a scientific study somewhere out there that says those with anxiety (or trauma) rewatch tv shows or films, reread the same books to help ground themselves, an escape from all those complex emotions they hold within. its the structure, the predictability and the consistency of it all.

the sameness – and i understand, the nostalgia for the “feel good” emotions that i so desperately lack but so desperately need.

“one tree hill” might be my comfort show (in fact im certain that it is), for all the times ive returned to the same characters and plot just to soak in the security this show provides, the clarity it gives for when i need it the most. i rely on that show, in times of hardships where i seek answers to the complications life throws at us, in times where i feel lost and insecure, uncertain of my world and lack of faith in myself.

to me, “one tree hill” represents a strength and persistence in going after your dreams, lessons ive hoped to engrain in my own life. it epitomizes the importance of communication, something ive been hoping my boyfriend picks up from this show as i go through my fifth rewatch (its his first time and sharing this part of my life with him is crucial for me).

to me, “one tree hill” symbolizes the ups and downs ive had to face (after all, it has been the show thats brought me to where i am today), and has been the guiding light as we confront loss, breakups, and growing up itself.

its an icon of the generation i grew up in, and time-and-time again, we return to the same habits, familiar plot lines and characters and even though its all make-believe, the scenes you know like the back of your hand.

this year, i dressed up as brooke, in a royal blue juicy tracksuit and blue and white pom poms with a very “one tree hill” meets “euphoria” makeup look i experimented with myself.

and to me, its more than a halloween costume. she represents resilience, something ive needed this year as ive bounced back from loss and depression, my own brain fighting against me and causing my inner turmoil. and like me, in the early seasons she didnt believe in herself either so maybe my halloween costume can symbolize my healing and my transformation, the transition for me to stop it with the self-doubt and focus on doing what i love while being shamelessly and unapologetically myself.

so in the wise words of brooke davis, “you think you know me, but you dont. and that means you dont know what i can do.”

it might be just a teen drama but its guided me through the tricky nooks and crannies of life, and for that im grateful.

GFY (and happy halloween), fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: “and our hearts still beat the same”

i dont have much to say these days. i turn the world off, tune out the noise by blasting la dispute, hole, tonight alive on repeat through my airpods, crawling back into my safe space as i try to make right with the world, my world (and myself).

im okay, i think – or as okay as one can be under these circumstances.

im trying, okay?

my life feels a little less heavy this week – maybe its the louboutins (courtesy of my boyfriend, more about this later), maybe im tired of feeling sorry for myself for no reason in particular. maybe its because people do give a shit about me, im just too disconnected and detached to realize.

maybe its just time to heal, or at least attempt to, before things are too broken to repair.

i need to fix my relationships with others (most notably my boyfriend, because lets be honest, im kind of a high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass); to save what we have left or find the love and infatuation that connected us in the first place – i dont really know.

i need to heal my relationship with myself, stop the self-loathing for never feeling like im enough, for always wanting more, the inferiority and bullshit of it all.

and quite honestly, i dont know where the fuck to start and its all just overwhelming, wanting to be something but not having the motivation or the discipline that it takes to achieve the “goals” id (want) to strive for. and in the end it all comes down to my laziness, maybe even my lack of potential.

and then there are the facts, the familiar patterns that ive engrained into my life, my stupid fucking brain.

i know that i dont want to live in the shadows forever, concealed by this darkness (heaviness) i find belonging and safety in. the thoughts of inferiority have caused me to spiral out of control, so now its time for me to realize (discover?) what i bring to the table.

i also know i dont want to be alone.

i push people away, i know i do.

but everyone needs to grow up at some point (or pretend to), and i realize that not all love is fake and that not all love can be taken granted for.

and my mother says to me: “please treasure him.”

and im trying to – to not speak to him in harsh tones, to learn to control the toxicity and negativity that i project onto him (the bitterness ive held thats outlasted the distance), to not resent him for his shortcomings or his successes, even if they make me feel inferior.

teamwork – thats what im trying to drill into my head, that in order to make this work, we need to be playing for the same side. we shouldnt be pitted against each other – over who can be more petty about money and reckless spending, over who can hurt the other more with words spoken out of spite or stupid, passive aggressive actions.

i dont want to lose you – i cant lose you. i guess thats what it means when you date your best friend and theres just too much to lose.

“your hands still catch the light the right way and

our hearts still beat the same,

and our hearts still beat the same.”

– la dispute, “nobody, not even the rain”

and through music and one tree hill, maybe we can find our way back to each other. la dispute puts it best: scars will remain.

they will but i cant guarantee another broken, beating heart that matches mine nearly as well as yours does.

that has to count for something, right?

GFY, fleur

p.s. tbh this whole post is horrible and i kind of hate it idk why i decided to word VOMIT but im learning not to bottle up emotions so here goes (enjoy my chaos). i cannot live in my head forever

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: walls built up (like a fortress)

*trigger warning: self-harm*

do people always leave or do i just push them away?

would you really even be pushing someone away if you never let them in to begin with?

rejection is my end-all: my biggest pain, my worst fear, my weakness in a world that loves to fuck all of us over. sometimes i feel like the universe is onto me, out to make an example out of me, punish me for not being enough. i walk around with a kick me sign tattooed on my forehead, holding in my heart that i need to be better.

i wonder if its always been this way (it feels like forever) – having toxic, chaotic meltdowns, feeling inadequate and unworthy, choosing to close my doors before others shut me out.

please dont leave me – people always leave.

its toxic to build walls in a relationship (i know that) – lately, i just cant help it. i cant help shutting my boyfriend out, turning my head at every attempt he puts forth to show me he loves me. i lock myself behind bathroom doors as i slice my skin because i want to see if he gives a fuck, and i feel the heaviness of guilt weigh on me (i deserved the punishment because i cant stop hurting him).

im trying to be better – if not for me, then for him. he deserves better than a girl with walls built up so high, forever in fortress mode. he deserves better than a girl who loves to play games, constant tests and mental gymnastics to figure me out (being complex is chaotic but im trying to take more agency in my life; i need to rein in my emotions and not let the outside world invade my brain space).

he deserves a girl whos willing to accept his love, instead of the constant passive aggression, pettiness and bitch i put forth.

so this is for us (boy whos the love of my life) – that we can work together as a team, that i can put aside my pride and celebrate your successes because god knows (and i know) that you deserve it. your success is my success, and in the end of the day, were playing for the same side – our success. its you and me against the world.

most importantly, thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me still, even after i drag you through hell and back. you shouldnt have to feel like youre walking on eggshells around me, and i should have some more faith in you and that you truly do give a rats ass about me.

while im not perfect (and i probably never will be and thats okay), i see brighter days with you by my side when the fortress ive built up on instinct is completely demolished.

so please dont leave me – people always leave, and i cant imagine my world without you.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: it means too much to me

the expectations i set for myself are so high, yet i look around and i cant help but think that everyone else sets the bar so low for me. i get applause for not hurting myself, for getting out of bed before noon on weekends, for not being a massive cunt to my boyfriend because im petty and jealous that he makes over double my salary now (and im still being petty and jealous, and i just cant fucking stop).

sometimes it feels like nothing is expected out of me, that i exist as a translucent ghost, half there but half not. im sleepwalking through life, stumbling along the way with lack of direction and fear of the future. maybe nothing fucking matters and were all destined to be unhappy and unsatisfied with ourselves.

is this the downfall of humanity?

i expect more out of myself – my life has to mean more than this. otherwise whats the fucking point?

i had more purpose to my life at 17 than i do now, and its just shitty knowing that i might have passed my peak already (while also severely depressed but at least i was helping people via tumblr), and all the future holds is the dreaded fall.

why does anything matter?

why does it matter if im the skinniest in the room, if my stories are more mesmerizing than everyone elses, if i can be a siren to those tinder boys from years ago who have continued to crawl back on all fours? does it even matter that my words (breakups are best done through text) can shatter others, and i just laugh as they grasp for pieces?

it all matters to me – everything matters. and the competitive demon in my brain bitches at me to win despite the cost.

but im never going to live up to what i want.

want-want-want – its all so selfish really. maybe im selfish (and so fucking materialistic), because im not enough and i feel inferior compared to everyone else.

my boyfriend wants me to celebrate the small successes – not wanting to kill myself after working in the office today (unlike yesterday); starting a new therapist despite how much i adored my old one; surviving my weekend work conference despite being a hot mess while getting completely plastered on the tour bus, resulting in me vomiting in front of everyone.

he encourages me to pursue new work opportunities, try out my field in the entertainment industry, search for a more corporate work environment – but i dont know if thatll make me happy.

i scoff at the blind optimism, that everything will magically “work out” one day. and whenever it is (happiness or at least content), it feels so fucking far.

im never going to amount to much, and im telling him to accept that. ill just float, in my make believe world, where feelings dont exist and everything is numb – the only time silence is desired.

i think my thoughts are destroying me. i think im destroying myself, my relationship, but i cant stop it.

sometimes i think everyone just lies to me to keep me happy because lets be honest, ive been volatile like a loose canon for the past month or so (probably longer but more consistently these days). no one quite knows what to expect with me anymore, and i think something is wrong with me.

i cant stop lashing out, having complete meltdowns and ugly cries behind closed doors; yet some moments are ok, and everything feels stable for a second despite all the sudden changes. but honestly, all the days are hard.

i tend to hold back unless there is a guarantee of success – say its my fear of rejection, the privileged life i was given but also the competition i was faced with (and traumatized by). im afraid of the truth, and itd break me to find out that im complete shit at something thats so important to me, something i love.

i dont want to say i love writing (i guess i do, and as a former tumblr girl, im just retreating to old ways in this bout of depression). it means too much to me.

and i dont want to ruin it (yet here i am). jokes on me, i guess.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: tiger stripes

* trigger warning: self-harm*

for the past few weeks, ive been dreaming of relapse – of gliding the cold shiny tip of the blade along my skin, of a well deserved self-punishment for the attributes i lack and for the toxicity ive put forth.

im tired of making everyone around me miserable, of constantly shattering like a ticking emotional time bomb. im tired of forcing everyone to dance around me just to appease my fragile ego. im tired of being me, an unworthy, spiteful little bitch who cant appreciate the accomplishments of others because im so boggled down by the voice in my head.

and i hate myself for that – for not being stronger, for not making more money or having that financial stability, for not being a supportive girlfriend, for pushing everyone away, for being a complete monster to the one person whos supposed to matter most.

i did it last night, an impulse action on my end (and im so sorry, im not strong enough – im not enough, period).

i gave myself some more tiger stripes last night, running the x-acto blade in long horizontal lines, letting the beads of blood drip down onto the pink tile floors of our bathroom as i kept the door locked.

and it was my boyfriend who came to my rescue (why are you always saving me?), taking initiative to clean me up, bandaids to stop the bleeding. it was my boyfriend who had to wipe the blood off our bathroom floor because i was (am) too catatonic and broken to take care of myself.

so im sorry, for not being enough. i dont deserve him, especially with all the gentleness and care hes handled me with as i throw child-like tantrums, reuniting with my old coping mechanisms.

i deserve it – this self-punishment, this heaviness of being unworthy. and id be lying if i admit it wasnt satisfying, to turn the knife on myself because i keep hurting the ones i love the most.

i fucking deserve it – these red gashes on my upper thigh, the tiger stripes formed in moments of weakness.

im never going to amount to anything, and i just dont understand what the point is anymore of my aimless little life.

im just a moody little nobody, and i dont deserve the kindness or the love or the sympathy.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: shamelessly crying in red balenciagas (in public)

“lets leave no words unspoken.”

at this point, ive tried everything to accept my boyfriend will be making twice what i make, as hell be transitioning into his new job tomorrow. ive tried running away from home so i can blast music and go on my clarity drives, ive tried the plain-and-simple method of “just talking it out.” ive acted out like a child, ive ranted to my circle of support.

nothing is working. its a travesty, really – with congratulations flying all around him from our friends, family, the only person left bitter is me and maybe i just resent him for that.

i had expected to grow together, but that doesnt seem to be the case either way because one job change. and theres a sudden looming air of superiority (at least how i picture it; so far no one else feels this way) and i dont even know what to say to him anymore, about anything.

its ridiculous maybe, wanting to break up with someone because theyre suddenly making more money than you, that you no longer feel satisfied because this isnt what you pictured for yourself.

today my boyfriend took me to our nearby shopping plaza (mostly for errands but also ended up staying for lunch). he feels the resentment from me and i tell him im trying, i just cant be happy and maybe im just a selfish bitch for not being satisfied with anything in my life lately.

i called it “our last supper” – not because were ending, but i get this gut feeling that everything is about to change, the second his hourly worth is higher than mine, when he subconsciously transitions into the finance fuckboy we all know and love to hate.

i dont want him to be like his dad, controlling his mom to the point where she barely speaks. i dont want to be like my aunt, whos hid in the garage from her husband – a doctor, even – because she was fucking terrified and money equals power.

im convinced hes going to change (with the money and the power), and i dont want him to change.

“our last supper” – the only bit of normalcy that i have left to cling onto, our last time between us where we are equals.

no words left unspoken – because i told him this after two valiums and two glasses of champagne, sobbing in my red balenciaga sunglasses in the french restaurant at the farmers market portion.

“and save regrets for the broken.”

and i keep wondering if ill regret it, if i just moved out today, cut ties and ran away indefinitely this time. if ill regret not letting him in, for all the resentment i hold for him, for the self-pity i shower myself in.

its getting harder and harder for him to love because im a difficult bitch. and i know im hurting him, being vengeful even by building my wall up all because of a stupid fucking job and some more money on his part.

so heres what ill do, in the words of a day to remembers “all i want”; “to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.”

of course, emo music is the mood – throwback to the 2010s era, a day to remember, bring me the horizon, and pierce the veil on a loop.

im not doing too well lately – and it shows. and if you didnt know that im drowning (both in the literal sense, but also figurative as i drown my emotions out with pills), the music playlist as of late should show you all.

so ill continue listening to my emo playlists, cry in public from the distress and pain of just simply existing, try to play nice with my boyfriend who has done nothing except try to better himself.

maybe i can try the same, to better myself so i have other things to think about besides the fact hes better than me. just not today, crying has completely obliterated my energy.

GFY, fleur (in the red balenciagas)

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: “riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch”

as a kid, i felt like my life was defined by competition – who was smarter, more talented, who was prettier, skinnier than me. at times, i still find myself defensive because my childhood was painted with so much inferiority and it felt like i always had the short end of the stick.

if i dont stick up for myself, who the fuck will?

no one in this life is perfect and maybe thats just that – its life itself; messy, unpredictable, and so completely fucking out of control.

we search for truth, for answers, and as much as we deny it, the unknown scares the shit out of us. so honestly, whats the point of it all?

whats the point in being a good person, in wearing your heart on your sleeve, if life continues to kick you in the ass no matter how much effort you put forth?

whats the point in putting forth kindness and positivity when karma turns a blind eye to the injustice and those whove wronged you just get away, scott-free? the wrongs are never made right and people are riddled with lies and empty promises; the only guarantee is the inescapable disappointment in the universe as a whole.

i dont need anyone coming to my rescue. i believe im fully capable of taking care of my own shit – ill fight my battles alone, simmer alone in my hatred for all those whove wronged me.

i dont need anything from anyone, and i dont owe anyone a single fucking thing.

but i feel like the world owes me; for all thats taken and lost, for the lack of signs or direction, for putting my soul in this body and this brain, for forcing me to deal with shitty people who still live in my mind rentfree.

nothing lasts forever – not you, not me, not this shitty ass universe that is on a mission to welcome us all to the dark side.

maybe none of it – nothing – even matters (everything and everyones temporary anyway). my default is just angst and recklessness, the inability to forget and forgive and the inability to let go.

if this were a competition, id be taking the prize for angry, bitter bitch. years of pent up resentment – thats what i hold.

i hate my ex-best friend who ive known since we were in preschool, who was always trying to one up me as we rounded the corner into high school, the type a kind of asshole whod push me to tell her my test scores even though she knew i had failed.

i hate the first boy who decimated my faith and trust in humanity (its been almost a decade and i still dream of the day he gets run over by a bus).

i hate my ex-dogsitter (“friend”), who would always remind me how much skinnier she was compared to me and wouldnt shut the fuck up about how “tiny” she was. she knew i struggled with body image, but she just had to push me to my breaking point in which ive opted to skip meals for the spirit of competition. if only she could see me now, the drastic weight loss – i just survive, barely eating unless stoned and feeding off pills for sustenance (and sanity).

i guess i always feel like i have something i need to prove to show that im worthy. im tired of trying, to vouch for myself and show im capable.

ive made my peace with letting people go – its not so difficult when you dont really let them in to begin with. letting go of the situations and learning to forgive – now thats out of the question (even if it destroys me from the inside).

in the end of the day, maybe im just “a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch.”

and im okay with that. being a “good person” has never lead to anything but hurt and betrayal anyway.

nothing lasts forever, and there is no point in supporting and tiptoeing around people who dont have a place in your life when there was never a silver lining to begin with.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: selective mutism

i can pin point when it all started, when i just stopped talking, opting to bottle every emotion i had and letting the heaviness (the burden of carrying this weight) rot me from the insides. it was memorial day weekend of 2019, my return home after graduating from college and learning to navigate (or at least trying to) a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend after living with him for months.

i hate change. maybe thats obvious at this point. too much change, and i crack completely (orchid children or whatever they call it, the fragile ones prone to breaking).

i hated living in houston for pretty much the entire time that i was there for college, retreating back to my hometown the second i finished my last in-person final, spirit flights purchased on impulse out of the need to be home.

you changed that. my last year in houston was by far my favorite, and its all thanks to you. i owe you for that, for making the best year of my houston/college experience, for being part of my story; i cherish those days when things between us were just easy, light and i just really fucking loved you.

i was happy. maybe the happiest id ever been.

i dont even know if im capable of that happiness anymore.

and on my final year, i found myself struggling to let go of that dirty, old houston apartment, even though the apartment has smelled like cat piss since we moved in and no amount of baking soda or professional cleaners and products had been able to successfully eliminate the atrocious scent. but that apartments important, monumental; because thats where we began, thats where our story started.

sometimes i wonder if those days are gone for good, that our lives together will ever feel as pivotal as it was back then and all i needed was you. and i wonder if we hold on to these memories too tightly, and were just lying to ourselves to try to make “us” work.

what changed between us? did we already reach our peak, and all thats destined is the inevitable fall?

i need clarity, so fucking badly (ive even reached out to my psychic, since all her predictions have come to pass and the universe refuses to offer me a sign).

and i cant stop thinking about when things went south with us, why i cant stop snapping at you lately, what happened between us to make conversations more scarce to the point of just pure silence. i cant stop being a bitch to you and i know im going to push you away, and maybe i already have.

i miss “us,” the old “us,” and i mourn that loss everyday as i continue to give you the silent treatment, plotting my escape to my parents house just for the sake of running away.

im shutting you out – i know i am. i just cant help it, imagining the worst case scenarios, that youll leave me because i dont think i make you happy.

maybe theres still a part of me that resents you for putting me through a long-distance relationship in the first place (through no fault of your own). youre here now; physically, i guess i am too but mentally, ive been checked out, engulfed in my own world, consuming thoughts.

you werent there when i needed you the most and maybe theres a part of me thats unable to forgive you for that. you werent there that night my 16 year-old maltese passed away, when i received that frenzied phone call from my parents while out to dinner with our friends. they said he wasnt able to hold his head up, and doesnt seem to be lucid, that were losing him.

you werent there when my mom told me my nanny/my third grandmother died due to surgery complications when i was in my last semester of college. my parents never fucking told me when it happened. conveniently my mom had to tell me this immediately after my dogs passing (great timing, mother).

it signaled an end of an era – the end of college, the end of childhood itself with the combined losses of my dog and my nanny, someone i had gone to visit each time i returned. the last time i saw her, i had a breakdown. maybe even then, i knew i would never see her again.

too much change, too many endings – so i stopped talking. i shut the world off, closing the blinds and surrounding myself with my thoughts. i kept (keep) everyone at a distance, and the shift was palpable.

these days it seems like anger is my primary reaction to everything, and i cant seem to find a balance in any aspect of my life; not with my boyfriend, not with my friends, not within myself.

“im gonna tell you how it is, dont give a shit about how you feel.”

im trying to find my voice again, to have the ownership and power of my own words. i need to be in control of my life again.

“look me right inside my eyes and you tell me the truth.”

what exactly do you even see anymore?

emptiness and sadness built on resentment, selective mutism, and the refusal to forgive, but maybe a slight glimmer of hope (the light at the end of the tunnel). thats what youll see.

GFY, fleur