and as halloween weekend approaches, we remember those we lost and we cherish the memories that this weekend represents, the memories that live in our hearts for we can never get those moments back.
i love halloween – ive always loved the dressing up part, pretending to be someone or something that im not, even if its only for one night. an escape – and this year is no different.
but most people dont know what this weekend represents, the reasons we celebrate and the reasons we mourn. maybe its because they never asked, maybe its because i never offered. then again, its not my job to lay out my traumas and losses, the little things that make the last weekend of october special with all the moments i hold onto.
im not compromising this weekend. it means too much to me. ive lost too much already.
this weekend is for them – i wouldnt be doing justice to the friends that are no longer on this planet if i were to blindly comply with someone elses agenda because i felt obligated to spinelessly play along. they wouldnt want this for me, and neither do i.
i am not fucking compromising.
maybe halloween weekend had always been significant to me in some way or another: i remember making a fuss over going to knotts scary farm in 2016 with some guy i had met on tinder, the first halloween weekend since my high school friend had passed away. i had applied more significance to this tinder boy than he was worth – maybe it was the childish grin he had, that easygoing personality, these traits he shared with my friend, these traits i sought after after my friends death.
i was trying so desperately to recreate a past that is long gone. and i chase that nostalgia shamelessly, even if it only lasts for a fleeting second (i did back in 2016 and ill do that now, seven years later).
maybe this weekend was a sign, being stuck in buena park for an hour and a half after lunch while waiting for aaa to jump my boyfriends car battery, a panoramic view of knotts in my direct vision, these little reminders of him (not the tinder boy, the high school friend ive put on a pedestal for over a decade even after his death). maybe it was a moment of clarity, of a past that i had tried to reclaim in his name and memory.
so no, i wont fucking go to that halloween event with that clingy coworker who cant fucking read the room to save her life. there is no point in spending time with someone i already have a low tolerance for on a typical in-office work day. we dont share the same pain no matter how hard she tries to relate and i wouldnt expect her to understand anyway.
this weekend is for celebration, a tribute or ritual of some sort, maybe healing too as we remember that those who have left arent really gone because theyll still with us.
theyll always be with us, even if theyre on the other side.
no one can take the memories. i dont owe anyone my time, especially not this weekend.
another friend passed away this past april and i cant help but think about how a year ago on this weekend was the last time we saw him. i dont think anyone thinks about how its the last time theyll see someone ever until after-the-fact, the finale.
“last” – fuck, i hate that word, the implication of an ending.
the last event we had all gone to was a mutual friends halloween party, ending the night with lines of coke and “insecure” playing on the tv as we sat in pure darkness at 4 am, the glow from the tv illuminating our living room.
same location, same weekend, but one less soul. but were going to make the best of it, reflecting on the past while fighting the future head on, to keep from drowning from the burden of it all – “theres only life.”
itd be a shame if i didnt live life the way i want to, with the people i actually give a shit about.
im not fucking compromising this weekend. its my life, my memories, my priorities. this is what matters to me.