“im smoking while im runnin’ on my treadmill,

but im cutting up roses,

could it be that i fell for another loser.”

– lana del rey, “in my feelings”

maybe theres a part of me that just loves losers, pathetic and sad people who just need me, those willing to bend backwards to please me. its narcissistic (i know) – to having a running mental list in your head of those you know you are better than. then there are those you dont even bother competing with at all because youll never win.

and i need to win. i always need to win and “enough” will never truly satisfy me.

i need to prove myself. it seems like no one comprehends why i need to prove myself, why being “just me” isnt good enough or worthy in my eyes.

lately, ive been thinking that my need (drive) to prove myself is less to show the outside world that i matter. i need to prove to myself that i matter, that i have a contribution and a voice.

we have empty dreams of making a difference, leaving our marks on this world – legacy, name, whatever. maybe were all just terrified of being forgotten and left behind when the world continues to orbit and i just exist, stagnant.

ive always loved losers – tinder fuckboys like roaches, the ones who always come back to regain a lost past; the temporary friends i paraded around like minions, constantly at my beck-and-call and friendship defined by my terms.

i cant stand being told what to do. but i love the power in telling others what to do.

tell me what i should be doing and the vessels in my brain snap – i explode. i guess i dont do well with authority, or superiority, or any of the like.

and losers always provided me with that – the superiority i so desperately crave (need), the attention-seeking and ego-feeding infiltrating my brain so that i can feel worthy, even if its temporary.

maybe it just takes one to know one – they are all fucking losers and im a loser too, and we just live in a world of degenerates who are essentially aimless but fake goals and pretend that the universe actually gives a shit about you or your damaged ego.

my boyfriend has proved hes not a loser – with his six figure salary, high profile job, a life that seems so fucking put together im not sure where i fit in anymore. i had envisioned our intertwined lives finding our way together under disturbed, unexpected circumstances but it turns out the world despises me and strives to punish the shit out of me despite the fact that im actively trying.

im trying so hard every fucking day – to fake that smile and radiate positivity, to pretend everything ok, just fucking ok.

and at this point, maybe its time to make nice with myself and face the facts: i am a fucking loser, who loves looking down on other losers because those are the only people beneath me in this mental hierarchy ive created within my universe.

maybe some things will never change and we just have to accept the shitty hand were given.

keep faking it – it might not pay off, but at least youll fool everyone around you.

GFY, fleur