Tag / depression

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: desiring stability while creating chaos

its no secret that i was (am) an agent of chaos. maybe ive always been, getting a high out of getting a reaction out of people, catfishing all those desperate, horny tinder boys for the fun of it all (its so easy to pretend to be someone youre not), testing those closest to me just to poke the bear.

i like to stir the pot – i dont really know why. i dont understand my need for ruining the bonds i have with those i cherish most, the self-sabotage of it all. maybe in my own fucked up fashion, i want to see if they care. after all, actions speak louder than words.

i need to see if they care (and self-doubt creeps in, the happiness blockage that tells me im not good enough), whether they can save me when i cant even save myself.

i destroy everything i touch. and i cant fucking help it.

maybe in the end of the day, theres still a part of me that feels like i dont deserve any of it; not my friends, whove given support and nourishment in times of need, the ones whove survived all the rough patches of my emotional turmoil, check-ins via text to reassure me that they give a shit about me; not my boyfriend, not the daily morning coffee he makes me, the patience of someone who has to tolerate my antics, the attention and care that he and i both know i crave and need, the small acts of love and affection (or maybe just love as a whole).

and sometimes i wonder whether i deserve someone toxic and manipulative, someone like me; i wonder if im ruining my boyfriends life and that i should just let him go (let him be free). i want him to be happy, to be free from all the chaos i carry and represent – he can have someone he doesnt have to coddle because theyre too ill to take care of themselves, probably a nice but bland girl, quiet and on par with his calmness, someone who never gives him as much pushback as i do.

he will never find someone like me, someone with the stories (and the trauma), dark humor that even my therapists have laughed at. but maybe chaos and stability just dont mix and he deserves better.

id like to think i have the stability part down, at least externally (internally, not so much).

does it make me selfish if i pity myself but i have a good life?

minuscule happenings, unpredictable circumstances that transform into emotional monstrosities, until they materialize into a beast of its own, the battles that cant be won without the hurt – and ill continue to break whats unbroken (just because i can), and ill still shatter each time i purposely cause problems, ruin things.

having a good life but a brain that eggs me on to self-sabotage because i dont deserve any of this, ill keep on shattering, the master of my own hell.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: halloween weekend

and as halloween weekend approaches, we remember those we lost and we cherish the memories that this weekend represents, the memories that live in our hearts for we can never get those moments back.

i love halloween – ive always loved the dressing up part, pretending to be someone or something that im not, even if its only for one night. an escape – and this year is no different.

but most people dont know what this weekend represents, the reasons we celebrate and the reasons we mourn. maybe its because they never asked, maybe its because i never offered. then again, its not my job to lay out my traumas and losses, the little things that make the last weekend of october special with all the moments i hold onto.

im not compromising this weekend. it means too much to me. ive lost too much already.

this weekend is for them – i wouldnt be doing justice to the friends that are no longer on this planet if i were to blindly comply with someone elses agenda because i felt obligated to spinelessly play along. they wouldnt want this for me, and neither do i.

i am not fucking compromising.

maybe halloween weekend had always been significant to me in some way or another: i remember making a fuss over going to knotts scary farm in 2016 with some guy i had met on tinder, the first halloween weekend since my high school friend had passed away. i had applied more significance to this tinder boy than he was worth – maybe it was the childish grin he had, that easygoing personality, these traits he shared with my friend, these traits i sought after after my friends death.

i was trying so desperately to recreate a past that is long gone. and i chase that nostalgia shamelessly, even if it only lasts for a fleeting second (i did back in 2016 and ill do that now, seven years later).

maybe this weekend was a sign, being stuck in buena park for an hour and a half after lunch while waiting for aaa to jump my boyfriends car battery, a panoramic view of knotts in my direct vision, these little reminders of him (not the tinder boy, the high school friend ive put on a pedestal for over a decade even after his death). maybe it was a moment of clarity, of a past that i had tried to reclaim in his name and memory.

so no, i wont fucking go to that halloween event with that clingy coworker who cant fucking read the room to save her life. there is no point in spending time with someone i already have a low tolerance for on a typical in-office work day. we dont share the same pain no matter how hard she tries to relate and i wouldnt expect her to understand anyway.

this weekend is for celebration, a tribute or ritual of some sort, maybe healing too as we remember that those who have left arent really gone because theyll still with us.

theyll always be with us, even if theyre on the other side.

no one can take the memories. i dont owe anyone my time, especially not this weekend.

another friend passed away this past april and i cant help but think about how a year ago on this weekend was the last time we saw him. i dont think anyone thinks about how its the last time theyll see someone ever until after-the-fact, the finale.

“last” – fuck, i hate that word, the implication of an ending.

the last event we had all gone to was a mutual friends halloween party, ending the night with lines of coke and “insecure” playing on the tv as we sat in pure darkness at 4 am, the glow from the tv illuminating our living room.

same location, same weekend, but one less soul. but were going to make the best of it, reflecting on the past while fighting the future head on, to keep from drowning from the burden of it all – “theres only life.”

itd be a shame if i didnt live life the way i want to, with the people i actually give a shit about.

im not fucking compromising this weekend. its my life, my memories, my priorities. this is what matters to me.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: “and our hearts still beat the same”

i dont have much to say these days. i turn the world off, tune out the noise by blasting la dispute, hole, tonight alive on repeat through my airpods, crawling back into my safe space as i try to make right with the world, my world (and myself).

im okay, i think – or as okay as one can be under these circumstances.

im trying, okay?

my life feels a little less heavy this week – maybe its the louboutins (courtesy of my boyfriend, more about this later), maybe im tired of feeling sorry for myself for no reason in particular. maybe its because people do give a shit about me, im just too disconnected and detached to realize.

maybe its just time to heal, or at least attempt to, before things are too broken to repair.

i need to fix my relationships with others (most notably my boyfriend, because lets be honest, im kind of a high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass); to save what we have left or find the love and infatuation that connected us in the first place – i dont really know.

i need to heal my relationship with myself, stop the self-loathing for never feeling like im enough, for always wanting more, the inferiority and bullshit of it all.

and quite honestly, i dont know where the fuck to start and its all just overwhelming, wanting to be something but not having the motivation or the discipline that it takes to achieve the “goals” id (want) to strive for. and in the end it all comes down to my laziness, maybe even my lack of potential.

and then there are the facts, the familiar patterns that ive engrained into my life, my stupid fucking brain.

i know that i dont want to live in the shadows forever, concealed by this darkness (heaviness) i find belonging and safety in. the thoughts of inferiority have caused me to spiral out of control, so now its time for me to realize (discover?) what i bring to the table.

i also know i dont want to be alone.

i push people away, i know i do.

but everyone needs to grow up at some point (or pretend to), and i realize that not all love is fake and that not all love can be taken granted for.

and my mother says to me: “please treasure him.”

and im trying to – to not speak to him in harsh tones, to learn to control the toxicity and negativity that i project onto him (the bitterness ive held thats outlasted the distance), to not resent him for his shortcomings or his successes, even if they make me feel inferior.

teamwork – thats what im trying to drill into my head, that in order to make this work, we need to be playing for the same side. we shouldnt be pitted against each other – over who can be more petty about money and reckless spending, over who can hurt the other more with words spoken out of spite or stupid, passive aggressive actions.

i dont want to lose you – i cant lose you. i guess thats what it means when you date your best friend and theres just too much to lose.

“your hands still catch the light the right way and

our hearts still beat the same,

and our hearts still beat the same.”

– la dispute, “nobody, not even the rain”

and through music and one tree hill, maybe we can find our way back to each other. la dispute puts it best: scars will remain.

they will but i cant guarantee another broken, beating heart that matches mine nearly as well as yours does.

that has to count for something, right?

GFY, fleur

p.s. tbh this whole post is horrible and i kind of hate it idk why i decided to word VOMIT but im learning not to bottle up emotions so here goes (enjoy my chaos). i cannot live in my head forever

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: walls built up (like a fortress)

*trigger warning: self-harm*

do people always leave or do i just push them away?

would you really even be pushing someone away if you never let them in to begin with?

rejection is my end-all: my biggest pain, my worst fear, my weakness in a world that loves to fuck all of us over. sometimes i feel like the universe is onto me, out to make an example out of me, punish me for not being enough. i walk around with a kick me sign tattooed on my forehead, holding in my heart that i need to be better.

i wonder if its always been this way (it feels like forever) – having toxic, chaotic meltdowns, feeling inadequate and unworthy, choosing to close my doors before others shut me out.

please dont leave me – people always leave.

its toxic to build walls in a relationship (i know that) – lately, i just cant help it. i cant help shutting my boyfriend out, turning my head at every attempt he puts forth to show me he loves me. i lock myself behind bathroom doors as i slice my skin because i want to see if he gives a fuck, and i feel the heaviness of guilt weigh on me (i deserved the punishment because i cant stop hurting him).

im trying to be better – if not for me, then for him. he deserves better than a girl with walls built up so high, forever in fortress mode. he deserves better than a girl who loves to play games, constant tests and mental gymnastics to figure me out (being complex is chaotic but im trying to take more agency in my life; i need to rein in my emotions and not let the outside world invade my brain space).

he deserves a girl whos willing to accept his love, instead of the constant passive aggression, pettiness and bitch i put forth.

so this is for us (boy whos the love of my life) – that we can work together as a team, that i can put aside my pride and celebrate your successes because god knows (and i know) that you deserve it. your success is my success, and in the end of the day, were playing for the same side – our success. its you and me against the world.

most importantly, thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me still, even after i drag you through hell and back. you shouldnt have to feel like youre walking on eggshells around me, and i should have some more faith in you and that you truly do give a rats ass about me.

while im not perfect (and i probably never will be and thats okay), i see brighter days with you by my side when the fortress ive built up on instinct is completely demolished.

so please dont leave me – people always leave, and i cant imagine my world without you.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: it means too much to me

the expectations i set for myself are so high, yet i look around and i cant help but think that everyone else sets the bar so low for me. i get applause for not hurting myself, for getting out of bed before noon on weekends, for not being a massive cunt to my boyfriend because im petty and jealous that he makes over double my salary now (and im still being petty and jealous, and i just cant fucking stop).

sometimes it feels like nothing is expected out of me, that i exist as a translucent ghost, half there but half not. im sleepwalking through life, stumbling along the way with lack of direction and fear of the future. maybe nothing fucking matters and were all destined to be unhappy and unsatisfied with ourselves.

is this the downfall of humanity?

i expect more out of myself – my life has to mean more than this. otherwise whats the fucking point?

i had more purpose to my life at 17 than i do now, and its just shitty knowing that i might have passed my peak already (while also severely depressed but at least i was helping people via tumblr), and all the future holds is the dreaded fall.

why does anything matter?

why does it matter if im the skinniest in the room, if my stories are more mesmerizing than everyone elses, if i can be a siren to those tinder boys from years ago who have continued to crawl back on all fours? does it even matter that my words (breakups are best done through text) can shatter others, and i just laugh as they grasp for pieces?

it all matters to me – everything matters. and the competitive demon in my brain bitches at me to win despite the cost.

but im never going to live up to what i want.

want-want-want – its all so selfish really. maybe im selfish (and so fucking materialistic), because im not enough and i feel inferior compared to everyone else.

my boyfriend wants me to celebrate the small successes – not wanting to kill myself after working in the office today (unlike yesterday); starting a new therapist despite how much i adored my old one; surviving my weekend work conference despite being a hot mess while getting completely plastered on the tour bus, resulting in me vomiting in front of everyone.

he encourages me to pursue new work opportunities, try out my field in the entertainment industry, search for a more corporate work environment – but i dont know if thatll make me happy.

i scoff at the blind optimism, that everything will magically “work out” one day. and whenever it is (happiness or at least content), it feels so fucking far.

im never going to amount to much, and im telling him to accept that. ill just float, in my make believe world, where feelings dont exist and everything is numb – the only time silence is desired.

i think my thoughts are destroying me. i think im destroying myself, my relationship, but i cant stop it.

sometimes i think everyone just lies to me to keep me happy because lets be honest, ive been volatile like a loose canon for the past month or so (probably longer but more consistently these days). no one quite knows what to expect with me anymore, and i think something is wrong with me.

i cant stop lashing out, having complete meltdowns and ugly cries behind closed doors; yet some moments are ok, and everything feels stable for a second despite all the sudden changes. but honestly, all the days are hard.

i tend to hold back unless there is a guarantee of success – say its my fear of rejection, the privileged life i was given but also the competition i was faced with (and traumatized by). im afraid of the truth, and itd break me to find out that im complete shit at something thats so important to me, something i love.

i dont want to say i love writing (i guess i do, and as a former tumblr girl, im just retreating to old ways in this bout of depression). it means too much to me.

and i dont want to ruin it (yet here i am). jokes on me, i guess.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: in my feelings

“im smoking while im runnin’ on my treadmill,

but im cutting up roses,

could it be that i fell for another loser.”

– lana del rey, “in my feelings”

maybe theres a part of me that just loves losers, pathetic and sad people who just need me, those willing to bend backwards to please me. its narcissistic (i know) – to having a running mental list in your head of those you know you are better than. then there are those you dont even bother competing with at all because youll never win.

and i need to win. i always need to win and “enough” will never truly satisfy me.

i need to prove myself. it seems like no one comprehends why i need to prove myself, why being “just me” isnt good enough or worthy in my eyes.

lately, ive been thinking that my need (drive) to prove myself is less to show the outside world that i matter. i need to prove to myself that i matter, that i have a contribution and a voice.

we have empty dreams of making a difference, leaving our marks on this world – legacy, name, whatever. maybe were all just terrified of being forgotten and left behind when the world continues to orbit and i just exist, stagnant.

ive always loved losers – tinder fuckboys like roaches, the ones who always come back to regain a lost past; the temporary friends i paraded around like minions, constantly at my beck-and-call and friendship defined by my terms.

i cant stand being told what to do. but i love the power in telling others what to do.

tell me what i should be doing and the vessels in my brain snap – i explode. i guess i dont do well with authority, or superiority, or any of the like.

and losers always provided me with that – the superiority i so desperately crave (need), the attention-seeking and ego-feeding infiltrating my brain so that i can feel worthy, even if its temporary.

maybe it just takes one to know one – they are all fucking losers and im a loser too, and we just live in a world of degenerates who are essentially aimless but fake goals and pretend that the universe actually gives a shit about you or your damaged ego.

my boyfriend has proved hes not a loser – with his six figure salary, high profile job, a life that seems so fucking put together im not sure where i fit in anymore. i had envisioned our intertwined lives finding our way together under disturbed, unexpected circumstances but it turns out the world despises me and strives to punish the shit out of me despite the fact that im actively trying.

im trying so hard every fucking day – to fake that smile and radiate positivity, to pretend everything ok, just fucking ok.

and at this point, maybe its time to make nice with myself and face the facts: i am a fucking loser, who loves looking down on other losers because those are the only people beneath me in this mental hierarchy ive created within my universe.

maybe some things will never change and we just have to accept the shitty hand were given.

keep faking it – it might not pay off, but at least youll fool everyone around you.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: tiger stripes

* trigger warning: self-harm*

for the past few weeks, ive been dreaming of relapse – of gliding the cold shiny tip of the blade along my skin, of a well deserved self-punishment for the attributes i lack and for the toxicity ive put forth.

im tired of making everyone around me miserable, of constantly shattering like a ticking emotional time bomb. im tired of forcing everyone to dance around me just to appease my fragile ego. im tired of being me, an unworthy, spiteful little bitch who cant appreciate the accomplishments of others because im so boggled down by the voice in my head.

and i hate myself for that – for not being stronger, for not making more money or having that financial stability, for not being a supportive girlfriend, for pushing everyone away, for being a complete monster to the one person whos supposed to matter most.

i did it last night, an impulse action on my end (and im so sorry, im not strong enough – im not enough, period).

i gave myself some more tiger stripes last night, running the x-acto blade in long horizontal lines, letting the beads of blood drip down onto the pink tile floors of our bathroom as i kept the door locked.

and it was my boyfriend who came to my rescue (why are you always saving me?), taking initiative to clean me up, bandaids to stop the bleeding. it was my boyfriend who had to wipe the blood off our bathroom floor because i was (am) too catatonic and broken to take care of myself.

so im sorry, for not being enough. i dont deserve him, especially with all the gentleness and care hes handled me with as i throw child-like tantrums, reuniting with my old coping mechanisms.

i deserve it – this self-punishment, this heaviness of being unworthy. and id be lying if i admit it wasnt satisfying, to turn the knife on myself because i keep hurting the ones i love the most.

i fucking deserve it – these red gashes on my upper thigh, the tiger stripes formed in moments of weakness.

im never going to amount to anything, and i just dont understand what the point is anymore of my aimless little life.

im just a moody little nobody, and i dont deserve the kindness or the love or the sympathy.

GFY, fleur