Tag / clarity

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: comfort shows (one tree hill)

theres a scientific study somewhere out there that says those with anxiety (or trauma) rewatch tv shows or films, reread the same books to help ground themselves, an escape from all those complex emotions they hold within. its the structure, the predictability and the consistency of it all.

the sameness – and i understand, the nostalgia for the “feel good” emotions that i so desperately lack but so desperately need.

“one tree hill” might be my comfort show (in fact im certain that it is), for all the times ive returned to the same characters and plot just to soak in the security this show provides, the clarity it gives for when i need it the most. i rely on that show, in times of hardships where i seek answers to the complications life throws at us, in times where i feel lost and insecure, uncertain of my world and lack of faith in myself.

to me, “one tree hill” represents a strength and persistence in going after your dreams, lessons ive hoped to engrain in my own life. it epitomizes the importance of communication, something ive been hoping my boyfriend picks up from this show as i go through my fifth rewatch (its his first time and sharing this part of my life with him is crucial for me).

to me, “one tree hill” symbolizes the ups and downs ive had to face (after all, it has been the show thats brought me to where i am today), and has been the guiding light as we confront loss, breakups, and growing up itself.

its an icon of the generation i grew up in, and time-and-time again, we return to the same habits, familiar plot lines and characters and even though its all make-believe, the scenes you know like the back of your hand.

this year, i dressed up as brooke, in a royal blue juicy tracksuit and blue and white pom poms with a very “one tree hill” meets “euphoria” makeup look i experimented with myself.

and to me, its more than a halloween costume. she represents resilience, something ive needed this year as ive bounced back from loss and depression, my own brain fighting against me and causing my inner turmoil. and like me, in the early seasons she didnt believe in herself either so maybe my halloween costume can symbolize my healing and my transformation, the transition for me to stop it with the self-doubt and focus on doing what i love while being shamelessly and unapologetically myself.

so in the wise words of brooke davis, “you think you know me, but you dont. and that means you dont know what i can do.”

it might be just a teen drama but its guided me through the tricky nooks and crannies of life, and for that im grateful.

GFY (and happy halloween), fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: walls built up (like a fortress)

*trigger warning: self-harm*

do people always leave or do i just push them away?

would you really even be pushing someone away if you never let them in to begin with?

rejection is my end-all: my biggest pain, my worst fear, my weakness in a world that loves to fuck all of us over. sometimes i feel like the universe is onto me, out to make an example out of me, punish me for not being enough. i walk around with a kick me sign tattooed on my forehead, holding in my heart that i need to be better.

i wonder if its always been this way (it feels like forever) – having toxic, chaotic meltdowns, feeling inadequate and unworthy, choosing to close my doors before others shut me out.

please dont leave me – people always leave.

its toxic to build walls in a relationship (i know that) – lately, i just cant help it. i cant help shutting my boyfriend out, turning my head at every attempt he puts forth to show me he loves me. i lock myself behind bathroom doors as i slice my skin because i want to see if he gives a fuck, and i feel the heaviness of guilt weigh on me (i deserved the punishment because i cant stop hurting him).

im trying to be better – if not for me, then for him. he deserves better than a girl with walls built up so high, forever in fortress mode. he deserves better than a girl who loves to play games, constant tests and mental gymnastics to figure me out (being complex is chaotic but im trying to take more agency in my life; i need to rein in my emotions and not let the outside world invade my brain space).

he deserves a girl whos willing to accept his love, instead of the constant passive aggression, pettiness and bitch i put forth.

so this is for us (boy whos the love of my life) – that we can work together as a team, that i can put aside my pride and celebrate your successes because god knows (and i know) that you deserve it. your success is my success, and in the end of the day, were playing for the same side – our success. its you and me against the world.

most importantly, thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me still, even after i drag you through hell and back. you shouldnt have to feel like youre walking on eggshells around me, and i should have some more faith in you and that you truly do give a rats ass about me.

while im not perfect (and i probably never will be and thats okay), i see brighter days with you by my side when the fortress ive built up on instinct is completely demolished.

so please dont leave me – people always leave, and i cant imagine my world without you.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: “riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch”

as a kid, i felt like my life was defined by competition – who was smarter, more talented, who was prettier, skinnier than me. at times, i still find myself defensive because my childhood was painted with so much inferiority and it felt like i always had the short end of the stick.

if i dont stick up for myself, who the fuck will?

no one in this life is perfect and maybe thats just that – its life itself; messy, unpredictable, and so completely fucking out of control.

we search for truth, for answers, and as much as we deny it, the unknown scares the shit out of us. so honestly, whats the point of it all?

whats the point in being a good person, in wearing your heart on your sleeve, if life continues to kick you in the ass no matter how much effort you put forth?

whats the point in putting forth kindness and positivity when karma turns a blind eye to the injustice and those whove wronged you just get away, scott-free? the wrongs are never made right and people are riddled with lies and empty promises; the only guarantee is the inescapable disappointment in the universe as a whole.

i dont need anyone coming to my rescue. i believe im fully capable of taking care of my own shit – ill fight my battles alone, simmer alone in my hatred for all those whove wronged me.

i dont need anything from anyone, and i dont owe anyone a single fucking thing.

but i feel like the world owes me; for all thats taken and lost, for the lack of signs or direction, for putting my soul in this body and this brain, for forcing me to deal with shitty people who still live in my mind rentfree.

nothing lasts forever – not you, not me, not this shitty ass universe that is on a mission to welcome us all to the dark side.

maybe none of it – nothing – even matters (everything and everyones temporary anyway). my default is just angst and recklessness, the inability to forget and forgive and the inability to let go.

if this were a competition, id be taking the prize for angry, bitter bitch. years of pent up resentment – thats what i hold.

i hate my ex-best friend who ive known since we were in preschool, who was always trying to one up me as we rounded the corner into high school, the type a kind of asshole whod push me to tell her my test scores even though she knew i had failed.

i hate the first boy who decimated my faith and trust in humanity (its been almost a decade and i still dream of the day he gets run over by a bus).

i hate my ex-dogsitter (“friend”), who would always remind me how much skinnier she was compared to me and wouldnt shut the fuck up about how “tiny” she was. she knew i struggled with body image, but she just had to push me to my breaking point in which ive opted to skip meals for the spirit of competition. if only she could see me now, the drastic weight loss – i just survive, barely eating unless stoned and feeding off pills for sustenance (and sanity).

i guess i always feel like i have something i need to prove to show that im worthy. im tired of trying, to vouch for myself and show im capable.

ive made my peace with letting people go – its not so difficult when you dont really let them in to begin with. letting go of the situations and learning to forgive – now thats out of the question (even if it destroys me from the inside).

in the end of the day, maybe im just “a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch.”

and im okay with that. being a “good person” has never lead to anything but hurt and betrayal anyway.

nothing lasts forever, and there is no point in supporting and tiptoeing around people who dont have a place in your life when there was never a silver lining to begin with.

GFY, fleur

by girlwithlandline

GIRL SPEAKS: blurry vision, blurry life

sometimes i wonder if im a real person still, or if ive just spent too long blindly complying to everyones wishes with no free will of my own.

what is free will at this point?

passive – its a word i simultaneously embody and despise. and i let the days fly by as if they dont matter; as if i dont matter.

i see people (shadows) of the past, their lives moving forward as if everyday had been filled with intent and these cliche life milestones while mine just lingers, my mind rarely ever present. my life just is.

and i feel translucent as the days continue to lose their opacity, fading away into the abysmal non-world. i cant tell whether the events of last week happened months ago or years ago; time is bleeding together into a whirlwind of “what if’s” and the immense unknowns.

blurry vision and even blurrier memories. how can i know what i want if i cant even remember yesterday (the basic events and conversations and all)?

and i listen to the old playlists, trying to recreate a past forgotten, to help regenerate the person i once was – someone with adventures to call her own, with stories to tell instead of bitch rants; someone with a bit of darkness, bittersweet humor, and glitter woven in between the seams of it all (this could still apply to me today).

once, i was someone who wasnt afraid.

maybe im still unafraid, ive just been too zonked out to react or too fucked up to remember. then again this weekend, i did kick the door shut aggressively and yelled at my neighbor to “go fuck yourself, you stupid bitch.”

hindsight is 20/20. however, i have no regrets (no shame) in telling her to shut the fuck up. at least theres still some fight (somewhere) in me. unhinged, out-of-control; maybe i just miss the chaos of my previous life. i crave the disorderly.

i need a sign (for clarity, of course) – whether it be a shooting star, or a message in a bottle concealed by sand and weathered by the waves, a treasure map guiding me in the “right direction” (whatever the fuck that means).

a sign – something that happens (and this could all be chalked up to a timely coincidence maybe); a text at the right time, a song that randomly plays on shuffle that has the truth written between the lyrics, the meaning youve been looking for this whole time, but its something that strikes precisely when you need it the most.

i look for truth – answers – in every surrounding im placed in. in traffic, i look for signs in the billboards for concealed, subliminal messages, observe the cars that speed past me; their colors, their bumper stickers, their license plates as if they contain some cryptic code. i surround myself with my comfort shows, as they always seem to offer sound advice like the universe had summoned it (or maybe i just know what episodes hit at the right time).

and i look for answers in music – i want to feel. to absorb the sadness and the pain certain tracks evoke, the lightness in others that allows me to time travel, rewind, to brighter days.

theres a hopefulness that resides in youngboy’s “astronaut kid,” the same hope that lies with vampire weekends “step” and kacey musgraves “rainbow.”

i hope those songs never lose their magic, the personal application, the infatuation behind the song itself. my thoughts might contain a few black voids, the details fuzzy but at least the music will always be there.

today i want to reclaim myself – my identity, my independence, my chaos and disorderly. i dont know how, or even where to start but maybe the universe will give me a sign (because i sure as hell need it right now).

GFY, fleur