GIRL WITH IDENTITY CRISIS: the uncertainty questions commitment and were all a fucking mess

beginning, rise, peak – rise, peak, fall

for a girl with an ongoing identity crisis, i know of two things: i have a boyfriend who loves me and i have a close group of friends (a privilege as it seems, as most people at our age/older seem to label superficial acquaintances as their “friends” because they have none).

id like to think that i am one of the lucky ones – to have people to cry with, people to talk to, people to rely on, people to go on endless shit rants about those we despise and judge. i have people who truly give a shit, and maybe thats the reason i dont feel the need to impress or reach out, the reason people need to come to me instead of vice versa. id like to think that in a way, my friends shaped me into who i am today and im afraid of what i could lose.

having close friends comes with a price (or not a “price”, but a commitment maybe) – as cliche as this sounds, friendships like a plant. i picture my venus fly trap plant child, try to remember to keep the ceramic red pot filled with distilled water, let it soak so its well and nurtured and taken care of. friendships deserve attention (unless the friendship was meant to die, and that happens).

i cant tell if i pay too little attention to the point of ignorance, or if i pay too much, overthinking and analyzing every little moment.

we live with two of our friends – and my boyfriend and i cant see eye-to-eye on when to move out. while hed be more than happy to pack up our shit and move out in october at the absolute latest, im not opposed to staying for a bit longer. maybe underneath the hesitance, theres an underlying reason. maybe it all comes down to timing, lack of time and claustrophobia of time.

is it too soon?

i need time. more time.

its hard for me to admit why its so difficult for me to move, why im hesitant and im questioning everything lately. i dont know how to tell my boyfriend that im afraid ill feel lonely once we move out together, that im sometimes not as sure about us as he seems to be, or even as certain about us as i was when we started dating.

my minds a mess, and im not quite sure what to make of it.

is this loneliness supposed to last forever? when do you know that the rise and the peak are over, and all that remains is the inevitable, doomed fall?

sometimes i wonder if were all just lying to ourselves when we hold onto the belief that we as a couple will last forever. maybe we hold on for the comfort, the last beacon of hope in a sad, empty world.

maybe its when my boyfriend confessed that he thinks he loves me more than i love him and the pessimist in me wonders if there is an ounce of truth in that statement, only for him to take it back later when i press him on why he feels this way.

and sometimes, i wonder if we stay – stagnant – because starting all over sounds too intimidating and taxing, and we choose to settle from our shared laziness when each day we feel further and further apart. its in the small moments, and i cant help overthinking.

and i wonder if its easier to cut ties with everyone in my universe (friends, boyfriend and all), because sometimes we all need to press to reset button; new city, new identity, new posse and all in a very walter white “breaking bad” fashion.

am i one of those destined to feel lonely in a room surrounded by people, their banter between themselves becoming white noise and im always on the periphery, trying to make sense on why im always the last to be in the know, why i feel like i need to put thrice the amount of effort for little return?

i wonder why i even matter, what the point of this existence is when it seems like i dont have a voice and ive never understood the feeling of “content” or how to reach it. highs and lows – always.

i dont know what the point of this word vomit even means, whether im actually lucky by having people to call friends, acting out satisfaction when im not and im over all this, or i just tell myself that to get by.

one day, ill move to a different city, cut all ties with my past and present, change my name and rewrite my identity as a whole so i can be someone else, anyone else.

one day, ill stop lying to myself, pretending that im significant when im just one more number on the census, how many souls exist on this universe, as if my existence even really mattered in the first place.

GFY, fleur

GIRL WITHOUT MONAT: the almost-quarantine-hobby that never was (and never will be)

it seems like everyone has discovered some new hobby or hidden talent this pandemic, whether it be baking bread from scratch, trying their hand at quarantine art, or figuring out how to become the next houseplant whisperer.

there was a day and a half where i thought i might have found my quarantine hobby: monat. for those who have never heard of monat, it’s a company that sells “beauty and wellness products,” primarily hair and skincare (and apparently now supplements). in short, it’s been said that its an MLM (i don’t know very much about multilevel marketing, but i do know it’s often compared to a pyramid scheme, also known as a scam).

by participating in the market partner program, you advertise their products by posting hundreds of stories a day of you “catching up with your team/bossbabes” or dripping holy rejuveniqe oil on your scalp to display to the world that yes, you do indeed use the shit you sell.

it’s incessant, and it’s annoying. and i have too much pride to be annoying.

when this guy i met at a club in castro district four years ago reached out to me on instagram asking me to take part in “his hair and skincare business,” i blinked dollar signs and imagined a new life where i could drop $25K on Rodeo Drive without thinking about it. he has never reached out to me before and the memories of that intoxicated night were hazy at best.

the promises of all-expenses-paid vacations seemed too good to be true. in this stagnant, pandemic-ridden world, we all need something to look forward to these days, even if it was all in my imagination.

rookie mistake number 1: there is no such thing as free shit — no free money, no free vacations, no free cadillac (why the FUCK would i want to drive a cadillac anyway? gimme a mclaren, so i can tear up the roads like youngboy).

rookie mistake number 2: it’s important to know what the business is. maybe it’d be helpful to know whether he owns it himself or if it’s part of a larger corporation or maybe it’s an MLM, pyramid-scheme type bullshit. Ask for the name next time, because fleur, you are a dumbass. i fucked up — i didn’t ask him for the name of the company. my bad for thinking it was HIS business that he started in his basement, laboring over the perfect formula for all natural haircare.

i’m gullible so i agreed. thinking back, why would he want me to be a part of his “company”? Remember, i’m a nobody. i haven’t really had an online presence except for the occasional instagram post. I AM A NOBODY.

next thing i know, i was cornered in an awkward zoom call between him and this other girl who tried so fucking hard to sell the “community” aspect of becoming monat market partner.

it felt more like a formal job interview, with them asking me why i think i’m qualified, what my work ethic looks like and how much i can commit to this company. they wanted to see if i can post constantly, multiple times a day to show everyone how much i love monat.

i can fake an interview — it’s easy. just show how eager you are, how on top of your shit you are even if you’re nothing close to what you come off as. i’d say that in a moment of ego, i wanted to ace the interview, so i sold myself as someone who’d be willing to adopt monat as my religion, to live and breathe monat. they sucked up every word i said.

i purchased the $300 hair and skincare starter kit under my new “mentor.” it was an impulse and i definitely regretted it.

rookie mistake number 3: DO YOUR RESEARCH. maybe you’d discover the multiple lawsuits against the company and thousands of 1-star reviews claiming the product causes balding. maybe if you did your research, your boyfriend wouldn’t have to introduce you to the term “monat huns,” or have to explain to you the new “friends” you met over zoom will actually become your next cult leaders.

these monat people are quick when it comes to shipping out packages but not when it comes to answering customer service questions. and of course, that would trigger a spiral — i had send so many emails ranging from formal to completely unhinged, called multiple times only to be put on hold for fucking hours. and when they did answer (finally), i demanded that my order be cancelled and that i’m refunded ASAP in a rambling, clusterfucky fashion, i’m pretty sure it was more trouble dealing with me than just giving me the damn refund.

lesson learned: in times of urgency, it’s okay to be unhinged. well, obviously don’t be a karen and don’t lash out at store employees (those in the service industries are human beans too). but for trivial shit like shampoo, it might be the key to getting what you want. for the record, i have no regrets and this whole chaotic mess can kiss my ass.

i got my refund (otherwise i’d have a conniption). so in the grand scheme of things, it’s ok, they’re ok, whatever. i still don’t have a hobby though. i’m still working on that.

maybe the haircare products work wonders, but i’m good with not finding out for myself. i refuse to sell shit that i won’t even try. i refuse to lose my hair as i already stress-pull as is. i won’t lie to my friends and risk losing them if they end up going bald from putting toxic shit in their hair (although, i wouldn’t mind selling the shampoo to someone i dislike for the fun of watching them lose their hair).

i refuse to be a parasite. i don’t want to be that annoying friend that pointlessly posts everyday and shows off a product i don’t want association with.

most importantly, if i were to be in a cult, i’d never be the follower.

i’d be the leader, bitch.

GFY, fleur