i dont have much to say these days. i turn the world off, tune out the noise by blasting la dispute, hole, tonight alive on repeat through my airpods, crawling back into my safe space as i try to make right with the world, my world (and myself).
im okay, i think – or as okay as one can be under these circumstances.
im trying, okay?
my life feels a little less heavy this week – maybe its the louboutins (courtesy of my boyfriend, more about this later), maybe im tired of feeling sorry for myself for no reason in particular. maybe its because people do give a shit about me, im just too disconnected and detached to realize.
maybe its just time to heal, or at least attempt to, before things are too broken to repair.
i need to fix my relationships with others (most notably my boyfriend, because lets be honest, im kind of a high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass); to save what we have left or find the love and infatuation that connected us in the first place – i dont really know.
i need to heal my relationship with myself, stop the self-loathing for never feeling like im enough, for always wanting more, the inferiority and bullshit of it all.
and quite honestly, i dont know where the fuck to start and its all just overwhelming, wanting to be something but not having the motivation or the discipline that it takes to achieve the “goals” id (want) to strive for. and in the end it all comes down to my laziness, maybe even my lack of potential.
and then there are the facts, the familiar patterns that ive engrained into my life, my stupid fucking brain.
i know that i dont want to live in the shadows forever, concealed by this darkness (heaviness) i find belonging and safety in. the thoughts of inferiority have caused me to spiral out of control, so now its time for me to realize (discover?) what i bring to the table.
i also know i dont want to be alone.
i push people away, i know i do.
but everyone needs to grow up at some point (or pretend to), and i realize that not all love is fake and that not all love can be taken granted for.
and my mother says to me: “please treasure him.”
and im trying to – to not speak to him in harsh tones, to learn to control the toxicity and negativity that i project onto him (the bitterness ive held thats outlasted the distance), to not resent him for his shortcomings or his successes, even if they make me feel inferior.
teamwork – thats what im trying to drill into my head, that in order to make this work, we need to be playing for the same side. we shouldnt be pitted against each other – over who can be more petty about money and reckless spending, over who can hurt the other more with words spoken out of spite or stupid, passive aggressive actions.
i dont want to lose you – i cant lose you. i guess thats what it means when you date your best friend and theres just too much to lose.
“your hands still catch the light the right way and
our hearts still beat the same,
and our hearts still beat the same.”– la dispute, “nobody, not even the rain”
and through music and one tree hill, maybe we can find our way back to each other. la dispute puts it best: scars will remain.
they will but i cant guarantee another broken, beating heart that matches mine nearly as well as yours does.
that has to count for something, right?
p.s. tbh this whole post is horrible and i kind of hate it idk why i decided to word VOMIT but im learning not to bottle up emotions so here goes (enjoy my chaos). i cannot live in my head forever
this is raw and i like it. maybe I should not say this, but reading between the lines, it sounds to me like you feel a bit trapped by destiny. you know you ‘should’ be happy, ‘can’t’ lose what you have, etc. i felt similarly before i came out as trans. I had been made comfortably numb by a small amount of privilege, enough to make me afraid to change my life, or to leave my job, or anything really. i had a gut feeling that i deserved far less, and then if i knew what was good for me i would try to make the most of what was right in front of me. here’s the thing though: when you know that you’re trapped, nothing anybody says can change that. all they see is what you’d be throwing away if you changed anything, but only you can know what you truly desire. and right now, it sounds like you desire to be free.
LikeLiked by 1 person
thank you so much omg 🖤 and youre not saying anything thats out of line at all, youre actually providing me w a ton of clarity 🥺 and in a way i do feel extremely trapped by my own life (you put it so well, knowing how we should be happy for what we have and also the fear of loss). i generally have a massive fear of rejection so i dont put myself out there a lot and i let the world control me. i crave freedom from everything tbh, sometimes everything in my life (even the good) can feel so suffocating but the people around me keep saying i should be happy so ive forced it so many times. sending you love and im glad we can have an open dialogue about all of the issues we face x
LikeLiked by 1 person