*trigger warning: self-harm*
do people always leave or do i just push them away?
would you really even be pushing someone away if you never let them in to begin with?
rejection is my end-all: my biggest pain, my worst fear, my weakness in a world that loves to fuck all of us over. sometimes i feel like the universe is onto me, out to make an example out of me, punish me for not being enough. i walk around with a kick me sign tattooed on my forehead, holding in my heart that i need to be better.
i wonder if its always been this way (it feels like forever) – having toxic, chaotic meltdowns, feeling inadequate and unworthy, choosing to close my doors before others shut me out.
please dont leave me – people always leave.
its toxic to build walls in a relationship (i know that) – lately, i just cant help it. i cant help shutting my boyfriend out, turning my head at every attempt he puts forth to show me he loves me. i lock myself behind bathroom doors as i slice my skin because i want to see if he gives a fuck, and i feel the heaviness of guilt weigh on me (i deserved the punishment because i cant stop hurting him).
im trying to be better – if not for me, then for him. he deserves better than a girl with walls built up so high, forever in fortress mode. he deserves better than a girl who loves to play games, constant tests and mental gymnastics to figure me out (being complex is chaotic but im trying to take more agency in my life; i need to rein in my emotions and not let the outside world invade my brain space).
he deserves a girl whos willing to accept his love, instead of the constant passive aggression, pettiness and bitch i put forth.
so this is for us (boy whos the love of my life) – that we can work together as a team, that i can put aside my pride and celebrate your successes because god knows (and i know) that you deserve it. your success is my success, and in the end of the day, were playing for the same side – our success. its you and me against the world.
most importantly, thank you for being patient with me. thank you for loving me still, even after i drag you through hell and back. you shouldnt have to feel like youre walking on eggshells around me, and i should have some more faith in you and that you truly do give a rats ass about me.
while im not perfect (and i probably never will be and thats okay), i see brighter days with you by my side when the fortress ive built up on instinct is completely demolished.
so please dont leave me – people always leave, and i cant imagine my world without you.
i used to be terrified of people leaving.. now i’m keeping score! 😸 kidding, but i can definitely relate… i think this year was the year i finally accepted myself, and i’m still trying to feel good about being alone. people like you and i have a bottomless hole where the trust and the love fall in and disappear. it’s hard to love or trust anyone when you don’t love or trust yourself, when all you can see is the damaged monster, not the ebullient child she eclipses as ardent defender.