the expectations i set for myself are so high, yet i look around and i cant help but think that everyone else sets the bar so low for me. i get applause for not hurting myself, for getting out of bed before noon on weekends, for not being a massive cunt to my boyfriend because im petty and jealous that he makes over double my salary now (and im still being petty and jealous, and i just cant fucking stop).
sometimes it feels like nothing is expected out of me, that i exist as a translucent ghost, half there but half not. im sleepwalking through life, stumbling along the way with lack of direction and fear of the future. maybe nothing fucking matters and were all destined to be unhappy and unsatisfied with ourselves.
is this the downfall of humanity?
i expect more out of myself – my life has to mean more than this. otherwise whats the fucking point?
i had more purpose to my life at 17 than i do now, and its just shitty knowing that i might have passed my peak already (while also severely depressed but at least i was helping people via tumblr), and all the future holds is the dreaded fall.
why does anything matter?
why does it matter if im the skinniest in the room, if my stories are more mesmerizing than everyone elses, if i can be a siren to those tinder boys from years ago who have continued to crawl back on all fours? does it even matter that my words (breakups are best done through text) can shatter others, and i just laugh as they grasp for pieces?
it all matters to me – everything matters. and the competitive demon in my brain bitches at me to win despite the cost.
but im never going to live up to what i want.
want-want-want – its all so selfish really. maybe im selfish (and so fucking materialistic), because im not enough and i feel inferior compared to everyone else.
my boyfriend wants me to celebrate the small successes – not wanting to kill myself after working in the office today (unlike yesterday); starting a new therapist despite how much i adored my old one; surviving my weekend work conference despite being a hot mess while getting completely plastered on the tour bus, resulting in me vomiting in front of everyone.
he encourages me to pursue new work opportunities, try out my field in the entertainment industry, search for a more corporate work environment – but i dont know if thatll make me happy.
i scoff at the blind optimism, that everything will magically “work out” one day. and whenever it is (happiness or at least content), it feels so fucking far.
im never going to amount to much, and im telling him to accept that. ill just float, in my make believe world, where feelings dont exist and everything is numb – the only time silence is desired.
i think my thoughts are destroying me. i think im destroying myself, my relationship, but i cant stop it.
sometimes i think everyone just lies to me to keep me happy because lets be honest, ive been volatile like a loose canon for the past month or so (probably longer but more consistently these days). no one quite knows what to expect with me anymore, and i think something is wrong with me.
i cant stop lashing out, having complete meltdowns and ugly cries behind closed doors; yet some moments are ok, and everything feels stable for a second despite all the sudden changes. but honestly, all the days are hard.
i tend to hold back unless there is a guarantee of success – say its my fear of rejection, the privileged life i was given but also the competition i was faced with (and traumatized by). im afraid of the truth, and itd break me to find out that im complete shit at something thats so important to me, something i love.
i dont want to say i love writing (i guess i do, and as a former tumblr girl, im just retreating to old ways in this bout of depression). it means too much to me.
and i dont want to ruin it (yet here i am). jokes on me, i guess.
GFY, fleur
pardon my emotions 
it sounds like a part of you is strongly recoiling from the role you have acquired in your world, but you feel unable to survive on your own; and so you are bound to that role, because it ties you to the people you depend upon; and another part of you resents both role and dependence. you hate being part of a toxic, violent world, but it’s the world you’ve become invested in, and with each validation of your status as Pretty Girl your investment grows. your life is destroying you because it is toxic, but the benefits it offers are considered unrefusable by your society. myself, i’m in a weird place where (1) i think i might be a narcissist (2) i think most people might be narcissists (3) i think society might just be narcissists all the way down and if that’s the case we might all be fucked. but yeah… i never know if anything is “real” anymore, and i’ve caught myself subconsciously manipulating often enough to suspect that it happens a lot without my realizing it, and i wonder how many people are the same but just never catch themselves because they don’t want to. it’s a trip, i feel like i’m in a Philip K Dick book
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omg seriously! i feel the same esp about the narcissism lol like im narcissistic and maybe we all are but were just the product of this unfortunate society. i also dont know whats real and whats fake, whats reality or just in my head. i want to think of myself as strong and independent but i literally feel soooo trapped and theres no way ill ever be able to prove myself in this environment. i get validation, and i love validation (narcissism lolol) but i def agree, my life is literally ruining whats left of me.
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just don’t give up, i see a world of magic inside you 💙 your sorrow is the evidence of your authenticity, the proof of life. you’re mourning, not just for that which you know in your heart to have lost, but for that which, you suspect, we have all lost: innocence. “ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” we enter this world of complicated horrors with no way of fathoming the depth of its depravity, and then we are shown. the world is run by angry, sad monsters, and on a long enough timescale, we all become like them. the reality is, we were always monsters, and it is partly our delusion of perfection that makes us suffer, because a part of us knows it can never be true, not really. when you let go of perfection, you become real.
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i LOVE this: “we were always monsters.” and i see it so much, hurt people hurt people as cliche as it is. in my worst days, i am to ruin someone elses day and i feel guilt for making my bf my human (emotional) punching bag. im working on that though. im trying to let go of perfection (the only one who can change self perception is me and im working on trying to get rid of the voice in my head that keeps telling me im not good enough). 🥀
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you are good enough, and your self-accountability and self-awareness are evidence of that. it’s a messy world… we only just started writing things down about 10,000 years ago, and we are still learning to live with ourselves, even as our technological development and exploding population complicate matters and put a grim deadline on our collective adolescence. i imagine no developing sentient species would be prepared for the sudden exponential growth of a myriad stressful factors. there’s a part of all of us that is recoiling from the future, because it’s scary, and because our animal selves feel increasingly out of place in the world our abstract and aspirational selves are creating, usually in bitter competition. a reconciliation is needed, between our selves, betwee our aspects, between our
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… demographics, etc. (accidentally hit send)
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omg yes! i need to reconcile with myself, with my boyfriend too (but lets be honest, more importantly myself at the moment lol). the world is scary, and i feel the bitter competition or our inner fight-or-flight instincts. thank you, for being you and for being there for me. the world seems less dark today and im not sure why, probably best not to question it too much and overanalyze today into another shitty day. sending much love ♥️
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I believe we have a choice to hold on to whatever thought patterns or emotions… I remember reading a line “In any moment, we can change our life by making a new decision”… All the best! 🙏🏻💓🙏🏻
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i guess this is why im putting out my writing? its all so highly personal to me and itd like kill me to know i suck LOL. thank you for the words of wisdom and ill try to keep that in mind the next time i throw a tantrum because im a fucking child lololol. sending u good vibes 🥺
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part of the healing journey is allowing yourself to be childish sometimes, because it’s your “child self” that acutely feels vulnerable in this world that has never actually given her a safe space to heal. be gentle towards yourself; you’ve been through a lot and you’re processing big stuff 💜🖤💚
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im trying to 🥺 i guess were all our own harshest critics. ive definitely felt the need to create my own safe space (once i told my real life friends about my anonymous tumblr it didnt feel like mine anymore which is why im so protective over this page hahahah)
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And there’s much love and beauty within you… and within all of humanity.. but I opine many have forgotten, either through social conditioning and/or traumatic life experiences. From the bottom of my heart, I bid you a lovely day. May you avail yourself to the peace ✌🏻within.
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