GIRL SPEAKS: selective mutism

i can pin point when it all started, when i just stopped talking, opting to bottle every emotion i had and letting the heaviness (the burden of carrying this weight) rot me from the insides. it was memorial day weekend of 2019, my return home after graduating from college and learning to navigate (or at least trying to) a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend after living with him for months.

i hate change. maybe thats obvious at this point. too much change, and i crack completely (orchid children or whatever they call it, the fragile ones prone to breaking).

i hated living in houston for pretty much the entire time that i was there for college, retreating back to my hometown the second i finished my last in-person final, spirit flights purchased on impulse out of the need to be home.

you changed that. my last year in houston was by far my favorite, and its all thanks to you. i owe you for that, for making the best year of my houston/college experience, for being part of my story; i cherish those days when things between us were just easy, light and i just really fucking loved you.

i was happy. maybe the happiest id ever been.

i dont even know if im capable of that happiness anymore.

and on my final year, i found myself struggling to let go of that dirty, old houston apartment, even though the apartment has smelled like cat piss since we moved in and no amount of baking soda or professional cleaners and products had been able to successfully eliminate the atrocious scent. but that apartments important, monumental; because thats where we began, thats where our story started.

sometimes i wonder if those days are gone for good, that our lives together will ever feel as pivotal as it was back then and all i needed was you. and i wonder if we hold on to these memories too tightly, and were just lying to ourselves to try to make “us” work.

what changed between us? did we already reach our peak, and all thats destined is the inevitable fall?

i need clarity, so fucking badly (ive even reached out to my psychic, since all her predictions have come to pass and the universe refuses to offer me a sign).

and i cant stop thinking about when things went south with us, why i cant stop snapping at you lately, what happened between us to make conversations more scarce to the point of just pure silence. i cant stop being a bitch to you and i know im going to push you away, and maybe i already have.

i miss “us,” the old “us,” and i mourn that loss everyday as i continue to give you the silent treatment, plotting my escape to my parents house just for the sake of running away.

im shutting you out – i know i am. i just cant help it, imagining the worst case scenarios, that youll leave me because i dont think i make you happy.

maybe theres still a part of me that resents you for putting me through a long-distance relationship in the first place (through no fault of your own). youre here now; physically, i guess i am too but mentally, ive been checked out, engulfed in my own world, consuming thoughts.

you werent there when i needed you the most and maybe theres a part of me thats unable to forgive you for that. you werent there that night my 16 year-old maltese passed away, when i received that frenzied phone call from my parents while out to dinner with our friends. they said he wasnt able to hold his head up, and doesnt seem to be lucid, that were losing him.

you werent there when my mom told me my nanny/my third grandmother died due to surgery complications when i was in my last semester of college. my parents never fucking told me when it happened. conveniently my mom had to tell me this immediately after my dogs passing (great timing, mother).

it signaled an end of an era – the end of college, the end of childhood itself with the combined losses of my dog and my nanny, someone i had gone to visit each time i returned. the last time i saw her, i had a breakdown. maybe even then, i knew i would never see her again.

too much change, too many endings – so i stopped talking. i shut the world off, closing the blinds and surrounding myself with my thoughts. i kept (keep) everyone at a distance, and the shift was palpable.

these days it seems like anger is my primary reaction to everything, and i cant seem to find a balance in any aspect of my life; not with my boyfriend, not with my friends, not within myself.

“im gonna tell you how it is, dont give a shit about how you feel.”

im trying to find my voice again, to have the ownership and power of my own words. i need to be in control of my life again.

“look me right inside my eyes and you tell me the truth.”

what exactly do you even see anymore?

emptiness and sadness built on resentment, selective mutism, and the refusal to forgive, but maybe a slight glimmer of hope (the light at the end of the tunnel). thats what youll see.

GFY, fleur

5 Comments

  1. i see a lot of light at the end of your tunnel. i also see that’s it could be a long one ^^

    but yeah, holy shit, good post, and brave of you to speak of these difficult events. i’m observing a pattern of manipulation, neglect, dismissal, and “unintentional” harm that pervades your social circle like a disease, and i don’t need to ask to know that these patterns were set by your family as you grew up.

    what you are doing (silent treatment, feelings of hatred for those who have wronged you) is really normal under the circumstances and also better than acquiescent capitulation to the abuse. it is a response to *abuse* however, and that is not something you want in your life.

    it’s hard to change, and i completely relate to being a fragile flower. but you and i both know you don’t belong there, and you don’t deserve to be treated like shit. whatever you lose coming out of this nightmare, you didn’t need to begin with.

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    1. i think i honestly did have horrible friendships growing up, like i distinctly remember a friend saying as a joke to me in sixth grade about how i wasnt “pretty, funny, or smart” and i still remember it to this day. and my “best friend” at the time constantly put me down and made me hate myself completely as she was always the smart one, and was always the more dedicated. she would lie to her parents about me with the knowledge theyd tell mine so she could indirectly get me in trouble. its been a rough ride, but i think speaking out to my friends has been helpful and at least im heard. whether things can change is a whole other monster HAHA. sometimes its hard to feel like i belong anywhere and my biggest moments of clarity is driving alone and blasting music LOL. much love to you and i hope the light at the end of the tunnel comes soon 🦋

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  2. i am realizing a component of my healing process i was neglecting, and that is ELIMINATING toxic people, jobs, situations … almost impossible when you live on Earth, but worth every struggling step forward, every asshole blocked, every breath inhaled outside of the presence and influence of narcissists… those are the moments we truly live

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    1. omg YES exactly! im learning to do that now (i guess w work i have a pretty toxic relationship w one of my coworkers and its a little fucked up cus my friends say shes grooming me, and idk its just creepy and weird lol). i feel like my world is getting smaller everyday, and even this weekend one of the friends ive been having issues w accused me of texting her with a fake number calling her a slut (why would i bother if i dont even want to talk to her as me lolol ive just ghosted her for weeks). im learning the friendship dynamics can change and nothing lasts forever but maybe thats ok, because whoever is selfish enough to be that much of an asshole to me doesnt deserve a spot in my life HAHAH

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