by default, having something automatically equates to the possibility of you losing that something.
sometimes i wonder if itd be easier to have nothing at all. i think about the clean slate, new identity all too often lately.
i wanted escape – clearly that didnt work out. sometimes i think im the cause of conflict, the catalyst or whatever. sometimes its hard not to think im the problem.
overly emotional, as my parents put it.
and as my boyfriend puts it, you snap at people all the time so (by default), you should be okay when people snap back at you.
i dont know why im like this, why i cant stop bitching, grand gestures and resentment over misunderstandings. im trying to drill into my thick skull that were all human, and we all snap when we reach our breaking point (at least thats how my therapist puts it; we all have emotions, and my emotions should be valid).
maybe my breaking point is more fragile, built differently, as if im constantly shattering for tiny happenings, and in the end, im just porcelain pieces precariously pasted back together with washable elmers glue (yes, the shit thats fun to smear on your hand and peel off in one whole layer).
sometimes i cant tell if i feel trapped; by my life as its entirety, the influences, the proximity. uncertainty – lost, empty with nowhere to escape to.
and maybe i just dont know how to love fully, without the charged emotions or toxicity involved.
i dont know how to just flip the off switch on my brain, and im working on it (i promise). its just empty promises anyway if no one believes you.
and thats something even elmers glue cant fix – rampant, explosive emotions, being on defense because the worlds always fucking raining on me, the problem and the agent or chaos and hostility.
its always raining on me – and the elmers glue is just going to wash away until all that remains is a pile of porcelain shards.