*** TRIGGER WARNING: substances ***

if i missed any, LMK

im not really sure why im doing this to be honest (clearly i have not a single fucking clue why im even writing this at 4 am; its really time for me to channel in on the peak of my tumblr days and write more). maybe its my therapists advice, finally sinking into my thick skull that its time to log/journal, let go of pent-up emotions through actually doing something productive in understanding my triggers and spite. maybe its the dramatic, soapy spanish shows ive been binge watching on netflix that have the the sudden craving to be poetic.

but im not poetic (not to the least bit). this whole post probably wont make any sense, just stream-of-consciousness bullshit from an intoxicated human being. and probably no one will care, and i probably wont remember this in the morning (so i might not care either).

so today i went to a part of the city i havent really gone to since i moved out from the area. being in the vicinity, my anxiety has always skyrocketed; its like second nature.

“im literally on my knees begging to the higher powers that i do not run into adam*.”

in the past, ive definitely gone to that same area with adam, and its close to his house too. adam probably despises me at this point. it doesnt help knowing his last social media post was him holding two threatening, gigantic rifles aimed straight at the camera. im not sure how he took it when i suddenly decided to drop off the face of the earth, cut all communications with him. and when he started using different numbers to try to contact me, i had a full-on breakdown over this whole shitshow, during office hours in my work restroom.

but it wasnt always like that – there were better memories with adam, and he represents an actually *fun* past time. and im grateful for that, the recklessness and the memories that i wouldnt have the nerve to do on my own. and i was someone he’d confide in, sacrifice his trust to.

i was happy to pretend to be someone else for a while, and surrounded by a bunch of strangers who automatically think im smart because i graduated from college, i encouraged the ego feed. and i played into the partying, despite my true friends’ warnings about him.

now?

ultimately, i feel guilt. guilt i had to let him down, that i had to pick a side in the end of the day, and the final decision was not him. im still sorry.

i used to be the type of person whod write everything down, literally day of the event’s happening. but this one, im still processing but just needed to get off my chest a little bit. this will probably be brought up again at some point, but for now, im not ready.

ok, rant done and im done.

GFY, fleur

*name changed for privacy reasons 🙂